Empty sex, soulless endeavors and failed attempts at trying to find ourselves somewhere buried beneath all the shit we were drowning in. He called me a bitch in front of the kid and I didn’t like that so I reached out and socked him right in the chin. “I don’t need this. Why am I even here?” Only I knew why I was there. He had this freedom my tiny inexperienced little fingers just wanted to grasp and never let go of. Only thing is his freedom came with a price he wasn’t willing to share. The previous day we were all cuddled up watching Nemo. Snacks mingled with kisses. Things were quiet and I told him why I liked him and he told me why he liked me. It’s for reasons I can’t recall because there’s something about toxic relationships that make the good times fade much quicker than the worst. You gotta dig a little deeper to find the nice girl hidden behind the slutty bitch. There was this one time we made dinner together, daughter in high chair, music on, and bare feet tapped against the black and white tiles. We danced and sang terrible lyrics and smiled in fear that tomorrow was nipping at our heels. And it nipped. I tell him he’s useless, he tells me I’m a whore. We go back and forth till the socking happened. Shitty, I know. That may have been one of those nights I lost a handful of pearls on the floor of some other guys bedroom. We just wanted the release, you know. I’m not sure either of us ever got it.
Saschia Johnson
Jayne.press 
Is this a book you are writing or a series just for the blog? It’s making me feel much better about my book and the content, as this kind of content isn’t for everyone but the people it resonates with will appreciate it because they finally feel like someone else understands.
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Not a book yet but it totally could be someday. I feel like it’s so easy to get caught up in movements and forget the reality of it all. I want to show the different ways women fight oppression without really being labelled a “feminist” or wanting to be part of that movement or just not being well educated on that movement while still showing that we as women screw up too. and maybe in some circumstances we are the “ugly” ones. not as in looks but “morally” (I say that word loosely) in the right. Real life is ugly and I think sometimes we forget to be transparent and show the ugly parts of ourselves. The truth is there is gender equality built into the tiniest aspects of our lifestyles, things even we as fighters over look and with that suicide is highest in white men. Seems as though both men and women are being brought up to think things are something they never really were. Not that I’m saying there’s a connection but I just think it’s important to reflect on both issues.
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I really am liking these because I understand the reality behind it from living through similar situations. I think we often see one side of something and forget there are always two. We are hearing more about some issues but in tainted ways now-a-days. Some movements have caused things that were once hard to talk about to now become watered down and the folks who are suffering from PTSD and other illnesses and struggles because of their experience are getting lost in a sea of people speaking up because they were acting in a manner they developed a conscience about years later (not everyone but some). It is sad that we have become a society that only likes to show one side of an issue in the media, so I appreciate you bringing to light a more holistic look at the story. Look forward to reading more.
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I totally agree we often don’t see both sides. I think it’s hard to show ourselves at our worst in certain circumstances especially when we are in the wrong. I think everyone’s experience is different. I think abusive women aren’t spoken of enough. When a man is abusive everyone runs to comfort the woman and tisk tisk the man’s bad behavior but when the woman is abusive everyone kinda just turns a blind eye. and maybe thinks the man should toughen up. There’s so many aspects of toxic relationships to observe. Then there’s those other kinds where both individuals enjoy the toxicity. Romanticize it. lol Mostly among the creatives. Lol I think that’s another way to show what appears to be a toxic relationship from the outside. But inside it’s beautiful and can only be observed from sharing an internal dialogue. But I would never assume such a thing about a relationship unless an individual told me they liked it that way. It’s sooo GRAY! lol And I think it’s great that so much truth is coming out. That people are more willing to talk about their experiences and I hope we can keep this going without it turning into a witch hunt. It’s like this year to the present has been the years of accountability. Thanks for commenting. and supporting Jayne.press 🙂 It helps me think.
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It’s interesting how you said they rush to the woman’s aid. Let’s talk about that one when we get together. I have some other views but for a person to person discussion so it can’t be misinterpreted without facial expressions and such. I agree most times the women who are abusive are overlooked. I have a few friends who went through that. It’s all soooo gray!
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Yea, every situation is different. I think it’s important that women in abusive situations are aided in any way they can be. and I wasn’t in any way shaming the fact that women are aided. I very much want that. And I also am not claiming that all women are aided. There are always outliers. What I’m saying is that man don’t get the same aid in abusive relationships when the woman is the abuser.
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Oh gosh…didn’t take it as you were shaming it! Totally agree with you about men in abusive relations, even men with other men who are abusive. There is little to no support for men in such relationships. It is treated very different.
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Oh ok I feel better now.
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