What Made Me A Writer

I was not always a writer.

I grew up in a single parent home with a mom battling depression. She, with the help of my family, made sure we had everything we needed while prioritizing a deep rooted relationship with Christ. I was blessed with a father who loved me and did the best he could to raise us from outside of our home, while focusing on his own ambitions. As a child, this was confusing and sometimes hard but, as an adult, I completely understand where he was in life. I had an amazing brother who toughened me up and taught me how to be a good loser. He always expected better and praised me when I did improve. He didn’t let boys treat me bad and this over time, supplied me self-worth. As for school, I grew up failing most of my classes and hating school. I felt excluded in private high school and cried every day in public school. I was mostly invisible to teachers except for my loving step mother who worked hard to get me into school every day. She was my outward motivation but I had no intrinsic motivation to go to school. In my mind I was stupid, ugly, fat, and weird. It was a very uncomfortable place in life for me. I felt stuck, dropped out, and attended adult education.

I had already loved psychology at this point and spent most of my free time trying to learn about schizophrenia. I realized I loved this subject, everything about it. After learning everything I could independently about schizophrenia, I moved on to learning about multiple personality disorder and depression. (This is when nobody used the internet, I was taking books out at the library.) Then someone told me about a place that was hiring. It was a private school for children who were mentally handicap. (The title “mentally handicap” was politically correct back then, now I would carefully say, special needs.) The timing and type of job was perfect for me. I loved it, everything about it. Though, there was still a part of me that didn’t feel good enough or smart enough and kinda weird. Those feelings did not stop me from doing my job but it did stop me from moving up in the chain of command. After 11 years, I eventually got to a point in my career where I was given responsibility over one child. While being responsible for that student we started off our days with violent tantrums showing very little interest in being independent, to eventually independently leading me. This took a lot of time, goal setting, blood, sweat, and most of all patience. Some may be bothered when their “student” leads them but, for me, this was an emotional tear worthy moment. That student started as a child with no motivation, like myself and grew into a women who was more motivated than the motivator. The job was a success and I was satisfied. After success, coincidentally I had also become a mother and my job was changing management, which meant I had to learn a whole new person’s vision and after 11 years of trying to learn another person’s vision, I was done. The job was out grown and it was time for me to grow like my student, who is now my motivator. I was off to college.

At this day in age it seems as if college is glorified more than the career itself. While college is at your fingertips, jobs are nearly impossible to find. Not all jobs, just the jobs that fit your passions. It is scary for myself, as a college student, to think about what will come of all my college debt. That doesn’t stop me, this unstoppableness may be a form of ignorance or false security but it still doesn’t stop me. The award winning neurosurgeon, Ben Carson said, “When you educate a man, you liberate a man,”(or women of course.) So, here I am being liberated and I am confident that the debt I am gaining will someday be worth it.

With all that, work for your passions and don’t stop! Persevere. It took 11 years for me to get to this point. It took Charles Hull 30 years to create the 3D printer and he can’t stop there. We can’t stop here. While your reaching for your goals, in the words of the Great Dylan Thomas, “…” To close I must say loudly, Don’t be a lady about fighting for your passions.

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On Your Worst Days

Letters To Myself

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On your worst days you are a work of art because what makes you a masterpiece isn’t your perfection it’s your scars –Jayne.Press

On your worst day, I’m going to be here building you up. I’m going to tell you you’re beautiful and smart and strong. It’s ok to be scared and it’s ok to be tired and broken. I’m going to let you rest and when you’re ready to get out there again. We’re going out there, but we aren’t going out there blind, no, not this time. You are going to be aware of your feelings and your surroundings and when you’ve had enough, you’re going to speak up and say “enough.” Then you are going to rise up and walk away.

Because you are worthy and you are loved.

We got this. We are going to get through this.

-Sasch

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My Mom Intentions

The Art of Momming

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This months intentions I’ve set for mothering are spending quality time with my oldest, creating and being aware of teachable moments with my youngest, but most importantly taking time to enjoy motherhood everyday.

Spending planned quality time with my oldest is one of the best things I started investing in. It allows me to step away from all my responsibilities and just listen to her stories. (And let me tell you, she’s got stories for days which is amazing since she never really talked as a kid.) I love hearing her stories. I want her to know she’s invested in in more ways than one, not just fed and housed, but really focused on and paid attention to. So I started putting one day a week aside for just us two to bond. She always seems a little brighter after we are done with a planned hang out. I say planned because I feel last minute hangout session don’t really serve the purpose. I have to mentally prepare myself to focus on our time together or else I bring my work with me. So when I set aside the time ahead it really makes a difference. It allows me to be fully present.

The other intention I have is being aware enough to take advantage of teaching moments for my youngest. These are my favoritest moments of motherhood. Seeing my babies learn something new, lights up my life. She’s happy. I’m happy. Sometimes we celebrate. Sometimes it’s a silent understanding. But it’s always a good feeling to see my babies grow. Especially because I can get so wrapped up in other things.

I get wrapped up. I get wrapped up in my kids meeting their milestones. I get wrapped up in getting them to where they need to be. I get wrapped up in chasing my own dreams. I mention all that because it’s normal and I know every mom can relate to it. I forget to take time to enjoy my life with them. So the last thing on my list is also one of the most import, to enjoy momming. I try to get on the ground with them, share funny moments with them, and do things to create joyful moments. I like to remind myself the good things about being a mom.

I never really thought of setting intentions for momming. I used to just make lists of things I wanted to get done around the house. They were never really things to build intentional relationships with my girls. I assumed it would just happen naturally. And yes, I do think in many ways relationships get built naturally, but I think this way gives our relationship more value. I do value my family very much. So they’ve been added to my monthly intentions and I hope they grow and evolve into deeper and even more meaningful relationships.

I mean we have a entire world to survive here might as well make the strongest connections I can with the people I love most.

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Show Up and Bare it All

On Writing

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When you look at a writer’s work, you can’t look at one piece and know the whole artist. One piece of work is just a bleep on the radar. Especially in today’s world. You can’t just look at one post, or one blog, or one short story, poem, whatever. You have to follow the artist. Follow them with the intent to understand where their work is coming from and for the most dedicated followers, where it is going. How is it evolving? How is the artist evolving?

We don’t know Leonardo da Vinci from just the Mona Lisa. We know him for his writing, his contraptions, his relationships with other artist and intellectuals of his time. We appreciate da Vinci for who he was entirely. Would he be so well admired if we didn’t know about him outside of his paintings?

All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

The point here is, show yourself. Show who your are outside of your art. You are not one painting, you’re an entire collection. You are more than one work of art. You’re a gallery. You are Picasso’s works before, during, and after his Blue period. That’s about 50,000 works.

Which also means, keep writing. You can’t stop at just one piece. You have thousands more to create and many more late nights ahead to fight against sleep. Every time you finish writing, a little piece of you changes. I’m not sure whether something is added or subtracted. I’m not even sure if it makes you more whole, but it adds to your collection and it makes you a little more whole to the viewer.

Bare it all

Showing up is great but you gotta do more than that. When you write, take the risk. Don’t be afraid to bare it all. You cannot take a snapshot worth keeping without baring some part of you that you hold sacred. Don’t worry about how people will react. Bare it in the most artistic way possible, then move on to your next work.

There’s going to be days when writing is an inconvenience, write anyway. There’s a million reasons to take the night off. It may seem like just one night away from writing, but it’s not. Writing everyday is proof you’re here and awake and fighting for something.

Writing can become your best friend, if you let it. There’s an intimacy in writing everyday that you can’t get from most relationships. It becomes your secret place and a place you can go where you’re allowed to be authentic. Writing can’t love you back but it sure can feel like it. Stay committed and you’ll be rewarded in a million priceless ways.

“Start writing, no matter what. The water does not flow until the faucet is turned on.”

— Louis L’Amour

Writing everyday keeps you in the flow. I feel, when I miss days of writing, it takes more time to get back into the story or into a place where I’m willing to share. It’s like anything else, once you step away, it can turn into days before you’re back in the flow again. When you’re in the flow, it doesn’t feel like it until you’re out of it again. Stay consistent. Write every day, even when you don’t feel like it.

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”

― Maya Angelou

If you stop writing, you leave things unsaid. You lock stories up inside you that could be shared with the world. Write it out. Write it down. It may not seem like an interesting story now, but I can promise you, there’s someone out there that will love it. You just have to find them. But write it first, worry about finding them later.

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Your Wife III

She pokes and prods

Yells and screams

She wants sex

She wants to feel sexy

And dinner out

And he worked

he worked his ass off

But she wants wants wants

And the kids are hungry

And work is calling while they sit at the dinner table

Chicken and salad…. again

He’s glad he got fast food

But now she’s hurt and mad and sad

And needs attention

But he’s tired and she understands

So she cries in the bedroom with the baby

because she knows she’s too much

She wants to be more

To cook better

To look better with her hair and nails done

She nods off

baby on lap

Daughter in bed

Mom in chair

Dad somewhere she hopes is comfortable enough for him to get rest

So maybe just maybe tomorrow

he’ll finally have the energy to put up with her

Maybe he’ll even bring flowers

-Saschia

Allow Your Characters the Space to Become Monsters

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Let your characters choose between right and wrong. See how they react in a situation. Sometimes they surprise you and they respect themselves far more than you think. Same in life, you have to let people choose to make the wrong decision. If you take away the chance for someone to choose between right and wrong one, they will never know if they were capable of making the right decision, and neither will you. Your mind will always wonder how bad they would have fucked up if you didn’t step in. You gotta let them be themselves. It gives them room to grow and trust themselves. Making mistakes is the most important part of growth.

So let’s just say we step back as writers after we place our character(s) into some fishy ass situation. Now we think from their past experience, do they know how to step away from something that will destroy their life? Have they learned yet to say no to self destructive behaviors? Are they constantly sneaking around and making bad choices? Why would this time be different? If you step in without thinking and don’t allow your characters to be honest with themselves, the future is going to become murky. The rest of the book will be built on this need for control that you have as a writer and you are going to have to delete the rest of the book and return to this point where you stepped in for your character. Which in turn doesn’t allow your character to be themselves but forces them to be what you want them to be.

Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.”— 

We want to be surrounded by people and characters who choose who they want to be because that allows them to be honest with us. When we surround ourselves with honesty it’s much easier to be honest with ourselves and grow into the person we were truly meant to be.

This means that your characters are going to do things that make you really upset. This means that you are going to have to forgive your characters. This means you’re going to have to have a healthy attachment to your characters. If they don’t piss you off, are you connected to your writing? If they piss you off to the point that you can no longer write their story in an honest way, is there something you’re hanging on to that’s hindering your inability to finish? These are questions we need to ask ourselves as writers within and outside of our stories.

Let people show you who they are. Let them write their own story. Let them destroy themselves. Let them become the hero of their own story. They might surprise you. They might disappoint you and do exactly what you thought. But either way they are going to grow from the experience. You are going to grow from watching them. They’ll show you who you don’t want to be or they’ll show you they are someone who you can truly admire.

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What is Worth Fighting For?

There should only be a few things

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If you allow it too much to fall into your bucket of things worth fighting for you’re going to get off track from your true calling. It’s easy to end up fighting battles that aren’t yours to fight. For me, there are only three things I think are worth fighting for, relationships as in my family and friends, my dreams, and being honest about my truths. Anything outside of that, is a distraction or entertainment.

I want my family and friends to have a life where they grow up knowing their worth, their voice, and what they bring to the table. I want to bring those things into their lives. In the past I did drop the ball on those things but I have rebuilt myself so many times that the only thing I want to bring into their presence from here on out is encouragement, empowerment, support and what ever else goes with loving them unconditionally.

My dreams have been my only reason to get out of bed. I lean on them. My hope is that my dreams will outlive me. What else is better to have in our darkest times than hope in our dreams?

I was a quiet girl. Sometimes I was a coward to keep the peace. Sometimes I blew up because I kept my mouth shut too long. I’ve made a lot of mistakes by not being honest about my feelings and about who I am as a person. Sometimes I even say things I don’t mean when someone treats me as if I’m worthless. And for those inappropriate things I’ve said, I’m sorry. I reacted and I shouldn’t have. I understand some things I have said can’t be taken back, but I will show you with my actions that I didn’t mean them. Please know, everyday I push myself to be honest about how I really feel. Everyday I try to explain why I’m angry, sad, or quiet. I’m not out here trying to be malicious with my honesty. I’m not using my honesty to prove to you that I can say things that are going to upset you. I’m honest because I know it’s my best option.

Those are my priorities. Those are the things I want to focus on. What are your top three priorities in life. I’d love to hear them.

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Your Wife II

His waves crash

Like an ancient melody

They play my song

They pull me in

I dive and dive

Only to be denied

I sit I cry

I beg and plead

Open up to me

I’m left drenched with a

Mouth full of sea foam

Drowning in an eerie silence

I’ve become a pirate

Forever in love with circling

His seas

-Saschia

Your Wife

She could climb right in the hot dish water

it’s been days since she’s relaxed in a bath

she soaks her hands just a second longer

a crawler wraps around her leg

brings her joy

brings her frustration

“just five more dishes”

wrinkled hand

wrinkled sanity

the crawler lifts a pant leg

“ugh, I need to shave”

soaked hands finagle the pant leg back down

smells like lavender and lemon

tastes like salt and soap

and feels like waiting for a million tomorrows

-Saschia

 

Make Way For The Things You Love

Embrace the Pain

“Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing.” -Fight Club

Life is full of pain. I’m not here to sell you sunshine and roses. We are going to suffer.

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We’ll face times when our entire body aches from head to toe. It might be hard to breathe. To do the things we’ve always done without much thought.

Then it hits us. We’re falling apart. We wasted so much time worrying about gaining aches and pains that we missed out on opportunities. We missed out on people and places and things.

But here’s the thing, if you’re reading this, it’s not too late gain new opportunities. It’s not too late to be honest. To go back to the things you loved and loved doing.

How?

You embrace the pain.

You sit and feel every ounce of pain and you stare it in the face until you’re too tired to do it any more. Then you wake up and do it again. It’s not going to be easy but just keep going. It’s going to take time but it’s worth it. You’ll get through it, then all those monsters you tucked deep inside you, become your tools. They become your reminders of how far you’ve come and how you’re strong enough to keep going.

The more you show up to face your monsters, the more you can learn to use them as tools for your growth and advancement in life. The more that you use them as tools, the smaller they shrink. Eventually the fear of facing them becomes a memory and you have moved on to bigger and better things. The monsters are still there, but now they don’t hold you back from the things you love. Tamed monsters make way for you to love the things you love in a healthy wholesome way.

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars. Kahlil Gibran

Being able to love those closest to you in a healthy and wholesome makes room for so many other opportunities.

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