1. Allow yourself to fall. Cry, scream, nap, do self care.
2. Get healthy. Healthy diet and exercise help with a healthy mind.
3. Talk it out. Find someone who is in a healthy place emotionally to talk it out.
4. Set goals to focus on for the next year. Not so focused they become a crutch just a means to move forward.
5. Surround yourself with communities that share your interests.
6. Trust your gut. When something doesn’t feel right, trust that. Don’t let people take advantage of your vulnerable state. If they weren’t there through the struggle chances are they won’t be there through the healing.
7. Move forward. Stay away from environments that no longer serve you. Learn the signs and patterns of toxic behaviors and set boundaries immediately so you don’t end up in the same situations over and over again.
8. Learn to be ok alone. Become your own best friend. Learn yourself. Take up hobbies. Feed your brain.
The Art of Letting Go
The earth opened up and pushed me over the edge. The dark was dark and only a seed of hope rested in my back pocket. Words swirled and spun around me, but I climbed and screamed and fought. I made it out and not one step was alone, even though at times I felt lonely. My nails were rugged and my gritted teeth cracked. But here I am, a little wiser, a little more gentle, and a lot more understanding.
Stretched too thin
My skin hard as rock
My mind static as a telephone in the wind
I rest in a fetal shape as
Waters rush around me
A let them
I let them rush a by
til my brain gets better service
And my skin softens again
People are more comfortable when you live a life similar to their own, but we weren’t put here to make others feel more comfortable. Live loud make em squirm.
The banquet hall’s empty
Not a single piece of confetti left to prove our existence
A bare heart left in the middle of the room
Fear’s shadow lingers in the crack below the door
I keep that door locked
Even though sometimes it swings wide open
I pace by it from time to time
But I don’t even touch the handle
I hate to twiddle my thumbs
While I think up the worst case scenario
I don’t even like to talk about it
But maybe if I share
You’ll see it too
In front of our eyes
The door will disappear
Fear is healthy and normal but it’s not meant to control your entire life.
First thing today, is to figure out how he will love her. He loves her, that isn’t the question. But how would he show her? Yesterday, it was with a small note, I love you handwritten on it that hid underneath her tea cup. A teacup he picked out for her and filled with black tea he steeped the way she likes it. But, today was a new day and another chance to figure out how to love her. He walked to the kitchen and leaned against the counter to think. He looked around at the bills scattered in front of the Keurig and the pile of discarded recyclables by the trash. He takes a deep breath and fear overwhelms his thoughts. That feeling of not being good enough weighs him down. But she needs his love and so he pushes through it. I’ll find something in the living room. Toys surround the perimeter of the room. The plastic, colorful, and imaginative toys lighten his mood. But, his fears whisper the word tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow it will be easier he agrees. And sits in the rocking chair his wife nurses in. It’s an awkward chair, not his first choice, but it was for her. There’s no use in waiting a voice from inside says. He reaches into his pocket for a small notebook he carries around with him at work and goes to his disheveled desk for a pen hidden by months worth of mail to be organized. He walks back to sit in the awkward chair and taps his chin. Eyes shut tight, he writes I love you because you exist and I love that. Those words are embarrassing to him, but he knows she needs to hear it. So he tears the paper from his small notebook and stands up to leave it on her seat. He walks away and turns to look at the note. I should rewrite it. He takes a step. No, no she will like it. It’s good enough.
My heart is growing
I can’t hide the truth
It’s breaking free
I can keep quiet but only out of respect to innocent
The fight is still in me
but the direction in which I focus
has narrowed to only my art
my art which is vast
but what matters is
The makeup drips down her face
There’s more to all this
She knows it
She feels it in her bones
Even though it was wrong
She knows that too
But there was this push much stronger than before
An urge she’s never felt
She wasn’t herself or was she
Is this what being alive feels like?
It comes and goes, that feeling
Alive, is fighting the urge. It’s the torment you feel when you walk away. When he walks away. That is the alive. But, to give in, to go wherever you are pushed, that is no more than a dead leaf in the wind. Stripped from the branches. Stripped from life itself.
This moment you have as a dead leaf is your chance to fall apart, to sink into the soil, and to become part of the regrowth next spring.
You are not ruined
The heavens land at my feet
And hell underneath my breath
My understanding triumphs over my other self
While she prays pleadingly
I gaze at her like an open ocean
Strong and consistent
Her dreams clinched in my fist
Hold my hand
hold me tight
I don’t want to go on without you