As long as I can put words to the way I feel, it’s free and open to the public. Unfortunately, living that way can frustrating because so many people are scared to share their own feelings.
Why would I continue to be so honest and care free with my thoughts and feelings knowing it leaves me vulnerable?
First, I know that sharing my feelings will give others the strength to share their own. Or help others to know they’re not alone in their own experiences.
Second, it helps me to have and set realistic expectations because over time expressing myself helps me learn what things bother me and what things make me smile.
And last but not least, when I’m finally around groups people who share their thoughts and feelings without fear, it’s so liberating for me. Makes me want to provide that space for people as well.
Why do you share your feelings or why don’t you?
Finally in love with me. From inside the depths of my soul to my roots of curls. I’ve waited so long to feel so healthy, so healed, and so ready to take on life. I thought and planned that by the time I got here I’d be celebrating with you. Maybe you weren’t meant to be part of this celebration. Maybe all the times you made me feel like shit for healing brought us to this.
Aw well, let the celebrating commence!!!
The winding road ahead makes my stomach churn. The past grabs at my ankles and the present slips away every few seconds. Sometimes apple pie slows me down and sometimes it’s him. But in between the ahead and behind is the place I strive to be.
There’s too much to narrow it down to one thing
I could be sitting in a car doing nothing
Or flying to a new country
I could ski or become political
I could be so many feelings
For so many reasons
But today I choose to just be
I just am
The earth opened up and pushed me over the edge. The dark was dark and only a seed of hope rested in my back pocket. Words swirled and spun around me, but I climbed and screamed and fought. I made it out and not one step was alone, even though at times I felt lonely. My nails were rugged and my gritted teeth cracked. But here I am, a little wiser, a little more gentle, and a lot more understanding.
What is it that I do not say
Mouth slammed shut like my tongue is a trapped mouse
the most important thoughts lead out to the ocean
Here’s my hand please see inside me
Help me filter through the bullshit
So I can finally say what I want to say
Stretched too thin
My skin hard as rock
My mind static as a telephone in the wind
I rest in a fetal shape as
Waters rush around me
A let them
I let them rush a by
til my brain gets better service
And my skin softens again
I just want to throw this out there. I talk a lot of shit. I act like I’m rebellious and a rockstar, but it’s all a show. I f’n adore community and meeting people and learning people and supporting people. So yes, I like to go out. I like to dress sexy and feel pretty.
I like getting told I’m beautiful.
But at the end of the day, my family is my priority.
I love being home, hanging out, eating dinner together, and talking about our day. I love growing and building together. There was never a time that I wasn’t loyal to my home. There was only a time I put my home before individuals who weren’t ready to grow with me.
Everyone’s priorities are different when it comes to where their loyalty lives and dies. I am first loyal to my spiritual growth, then to my family, then my writing, then everything moves and jumbles around below those.
At times there are gray areas. When I reach those places, I make sure to communicate with my loved ones that I’m in an unknown area. I do my best to show full respect and honesty to my household during those times. It’s much harder to communicate when it’s an internal writing thing, but I try.
Where I struggle with loyalty is when to stop being loyal. Once I fully commit to someone or something, I take my loyalty to grave. So, I tend to stay loyal to people and places who no longer serve me. And that’s a problem. That’s not setting boundaries.
So todays writing will be inspired by my inner conflict with loyalty.