I don’t know. I really don’t know. I know that I’m happy here. I know that if this could last forever, I’d let it. I’m ok with change, but I don’t need to fight for it. It comes to me willingly like an obsessed lover. Anyways, the point is I’m so deep in uncertainty, I can’t even feel it anymore. And when I do, I know it’s when I’m focused on the wrong things. I’m going to make it. Not because I’m an underdog but because there’s something inside me. And I can’t really explain what that something is. Heck I don’t even feel comfortable talking about it. Let’s call it faith or hope or maybe even self love. I just know I’m sticking this one out.
I haven’t had time to do small things for myself lately. I’ve been going non stop! But today I found time to paint my nails. I painted them pale pink and I love them. I do forgot how long it takes to dry them so I accidently smudged my thumb. I used to get my nails done regularly with the white airbrushed tips.
I don’t have any profound thoughts from painting my nails. Just that the little things mater.
I love baths. Bubbles, oils, candle light, all of it. I’ve always wanted one of those trays for the bath. Mostly because I’ve never had one. As for my love baths, there was even a brief time in my adult life where I would only take baths. I was trying my best to go completely natural but I’ve returned to my old ways. I still try my best to stay away from too much chemicals. I’m glad I took that time because it allowed me learn my body and figure what I could go without and what I couldn’t. At the end, I found that my products shouldn’t be too harsh or they’d cause irritation but I also have to watch for build up.
None of that is really important. What’s important is the hot tub in my future. (this makes me giggle) Hey writers are supposed to dream. Besides my plan is massive writing sessions then a brain cool down in the hot tub.
I’ve been thinking about this scene a lot lately. I remember as a kid thinking to myself how there was no way I was going to screw up a chance like that. I’d follow directions properly. Then I’d remind myself that it wasn’t Aladdin’s fault in this scene, it was Abu’s fault. And then my next question was, would I survive? It was always a humbling internal conversation.
Why is this scene important to the rest of the story? Was this the only way for Aladdin to find a magic lamp? Why did it have to be in a scary cave where we was never going to escape from?
The first thing that comes to mind after these questions is,
When you hit rock bottom, the only other way is up.
Aladdin finds magic in the bottom of a cave where he was supposed to die. I’m not suggesting that we all dive head first toward rock bottom. I’m suggesting that maybe this part of the movie was added to give those who felt they are at rock some hope.
Hope is nice. We don’t always need hope but when we do it can be life saving.
So that’s my grown up thoughts on Aladdin in The Cave of Wonders scene.
I appreciate the energy coffee gives me. What’s even better is that I learned how I like my coffee made. I just hate that it makes me feel foggy the next day. Sometimes it feels like my best option is to drink another coffee. I don’t like that feeling. The feeling that the drug causing the negative feelings is also the cure.
This will not in any way stop me from enjoying a coffee here and there. It just bothers me. Why does such a nice yummy energizing thing have to make me feel bad? Why can’t it just be a nice thing and that be the end of the story?
There’s always going to be the pull, the spiral. There’s always going to be the darkness that lingers under the bed. It’ll grab you by the heels. It’ll knock you out and suck you in right when you expect it to (or not).
There’s a rhythm. There’s a dance and they say the best way around is through.
Dance. Close your eyes and dance.
There’s always going to be light. You’re always going to rise.
Our inner journey is one that’s more valuable than gold. What does it require for us to journey inward? food, safety, shelter, ? Do we need some kind of stimulation to journey inward? Can we meet our core self without a mentor or guru guiding us?
I think everyone is different and learns to acknowledge their inner self in a variety of ways. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that the inward journey is part of our nature and is free of charge. We even have so many free resources and lessons from nature and from others that have journeyed before us. I’m not against paying for resources to support your journey. But always remember the investment into your inner growth isn’t defined by a price tag. If your inner growth is a collection of lessons from nature, culture, library books, fb groups with others who are committed to learning and sharing feedback it’s still just as valuable as someone who journey’s the world and pays gurus for their ancient tribal secrets.
So we don’t need money but what do we need to journey inward? We only need one non material thing. We need the will to do it.
The my last post, There’s So Much World Out There, I spoke about how important it is to have new experiences. But this post, want to talk about how important it is to find the beauty in monotony. In the same ole rigmarole.
We forget to find beauty in the small things. There’s that saying that goes, “don’t forget to stop and smell the roses.” As writers we always have to remember to insert the ever forgotten roses into our story. We are the ones who insert the small details into our story so that they can be envisioned and remembered. We invite our readers to appreciate the roses that they’d normally pass by in the busy world we live in.
If we ask our readers to appreciate our details it is also important that we learn to stop and appreciate the details in our own lives. We need to have days without the need for new stimulating activities. We need boredom. Quietness. Peace and solitude.
If we are constantly looking for new adventures we will lose sight of stillness. Stillness is where the story lives. I was a busy person for a long time. Busy working. Busy living. Busy doing ambitious things. It actually took a couple years for me to adjust to living in a quiet town and living a quiet life rich with solitude.
That adjustment period helped me see things more clearly. It helped me find out who I was and why I did things and developed behaviors. It helped me tap into the cycle of nature. The cycle that goes on even when human don’t intervein. It helped me see the value of imagination and why it’s important that my mind works unique to those around me.
So adventure and new experiences are wonderful but what’s even more wonderful is taking time to stop and smell the roses of your own heart.
When I was a kid, I loved going to this place called BeeBee Dairy with my grandmother. We’d get clam chowder with soup crackers every time.
Those moments stick. The ones that take you out of your normal day to day and thrust you into something new but just as cozy.
I always try my best to support my family in ways that will make trying new things and new places fun and exciting. New foods, new candies, new playgrounds, and the cool programs they host at the library or just any public space.
It’s so easy to do get swept up in routine and ritual. It’s too easy to get so comfortable that you forget what it means to live.
Then there’s times where new experiences are my life line. When I get into a rut, new experiences bring me back to life and whisk me away from all the problems I have no control over.
So here’s a reminder to you and future me,
Don’t forget to experience new things. Don’t forget to be intentional about having new adventures. There’s so much world out there.
I love being a mom. I loved being a working mom, a stay at home mom, and now a momprenuer. If I could go back and change some things with my first, I’d quit my job sooner and spend all the days I could with my first born. There’s more support than I realized and it just took letting go of some of my pride to go get it.
I’m proud of how far I’ve come. I’m not perfect. But I’ve come a long way a mom -as a human being. And I will continue to grow and learn and make sure my daughter are healthy in all aspects of their lives.
Momming is for me. It’s not easy. Most days I feel like I’m not doing enough. Even so, momming is the best accent to my being. It pushes me. It humbles me. And it lifts me up. I wouldn’t trade my momming for the world.
My first born was born 14 years ago today! It’s wild. So here’s to her level up on 2022! She made it to level 14! Woohoo Here’s to 90 more levels to come!
Jayne.press 