I sank into a picture perfect fantasy
But now,
The memories are flooding back
The habitual reminders
Of why I stopped fighting
Why I slowly loosened my grip
Why
I let go
I clinched my empty fists
And off went the leaf from my branch
It descended in a less elegant manor than I saw in my dreams
But fell just the same
-Saschia
Their togetherness relies on
their a push to love awkwardly
It relies on sex and fear
Silence and distance
Those things push them together
It doesn’t rely solely on her
Or solely on him
Not even rules or religion
It’s the bad little things
That make them
Them
-Saschia
Fear’s shadow lingers in the crack below the door
I keep that door locked
Even though sometimes it swings wide open
I pace by it from time to time
But I don’t even touch the handle
I hate to twiddle my thumbs
While I think up the worst case scenario
I don’t even like to talk about it
But maybe if I share
You’ll see it too
and then
In front of our eyes
The door will disappear
-Saschia
Fear is healthy and normal but it’s not meant to control your entire life.
They try so hard to keep my sanity
They close my knees
with two fingers
From each hand
As if I’m a doll
at a table set for tea.
-Saschia
First thing today, is to figure out how he will love her. He loves her, that isn’t the question. But how would he show her? Yesterday, it was with a small note, I love you handwritten on it that hid underneath her tea cup. A teacup he picked out for her and filled with black tea he steeped the way she likes it. But, today was a new day and another chance to figure out how to love her. He walked to the kitchen and leaned against the counter to think. He looked around at the bills scattered in front of the Keurig and the pile of discarded recyclables by the trash. He takes a deep breath and fear overwhelms his thoughts. That feeling of not being good enough weighs him down. But she needs his love and so he pushes through it. I’ll find something in the living room. Toys surround the perimeter of the room. The plastic, colorful, and imaginative toys lighten his mood. But, his fears whisper the word tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow it will be easier he agrees. And sits in the rocking chair his wife nurses in. It’s an awkward chair, not his first choice, but it was for her. There’s no use in waiting a voice from inside says. He reaches into his pocket for a small notebook he carries around with him at work and goes to his disheveled desk for a pen hidden by months worth of mail to be organized. He walks back to sit in the awkward chair and taps his chin. Eyes shut tight, he writes I love you because you exist and I love that. Those words are embarrassing to him, but he knows she needs to hear it. So he tears the paper from his small notebook and stands up to leave it on her seat. He walks away and turns to look at the note. I should rewrite it. He takes a step. No, no she will like it. It’s good enough.
I crave instant gratification and
the lure of feel good meetings
with hollow words.
I want those things too
And sometimes I do indulge.
But it all leads to an empty that aches.
You know,
those scratches you can’t itch
And even though I know this,
I still have to remind myself
those things are empty
and that I’m better off home
creating something of substance
-Saschia
The makeup drips down her face
Black tears
There’s more to all this
She knows it
She feels it in her bones
Even though it was wrong
She knows that too
But there was this push much stronger than before
An urge she’s never felt
She wasn’t herself or was she
Is this what being alive feels like?
It comes and goes, that feeling
Alive, is fighting the urge. It’s the torment you feel when you walk away. When he walks away. That is the alive. But, to give in, to go wherever you are pushed, that is no more than a dead leaf in the wind. Stripped from the branches. Stripped from life itself.
This moment you have as a dead leaf is your chance to fall apart, to sink into the soil, and to become part of the regrowth next spring.
You are not ruined
-Saschia
The heavens land at my feet
And hell underneath my breath
My understanding triumphs over my other self
While she prays pleadingly
I gaze at her like an open ocean
Strong and consistent
Her dreams clinched in my fist
Hold my hand
hold me tight
I don’t want to go on without you
-Saschia
In a few hours things will settle back into place
Unless I don’t want them to
I have thought myself into a sort of teeter totter
The good runneth over
the bad hiddeth my cup
but in a few hours this piece will join the rest
and I’ll be one step closer to whole
-Saschia
I’ve softened from the wheel of time
My heart, swollen from loss
From love
These tipped toes move through the crevice where my suicide mocks me
And life burns my loose ends
I have become the voice I died for
Her crown tossed to the floor
Neglected by my attention
What is the reason for this, but my empty stomach
Starving for more more more
Heart
-Saschia
