Today I decided to go into a fantasy world in my writing. I finished writing about the rough stuff and decided to write about how I feel when I’m loved. Of course it probably looks chaotic and a little unreal but when I’m loved that’s how my world feels. It feels like I could do anything. And you know what, it’s crazy how much more motivated I feel when I choose to love me. Loving me also opens my heart to let others love me and that is the connection we all crave, right, to love and be loved.
I am loving myself by writing this post and also writing encouraging words on my other social media platforms. How do you love yourself?
This past month, I have been taking time to recall my past year. It’s been tough to feel like I’m putting myself through the past again, but in September, while I was going through a rough patch, I found myself diving headfirst into a lot of pieces I wrote over the years. Hearing how I felt in different situations gave me perspective and helped me to heal myself. I also began to go through a lot of my old Facebook posts. I truly thank past Saschia for the encouragement she constantly poured out. So from here on out, I’m going to make sure I record my current thoughts and feelings even if in my present moment they seem insignificant. Also, I’m going to post on my social media as if I’m speaking to my future self so that when the time comes, I’ll have someone telling me exacly what I need to hear when I need to hear it. So basically, writing and posting my feelings in the present moment is loving myself. Did you write today?
You don’t need to understand
The stars lit me up
And lined my pockets
The dancing wisked me away
And spun me up
They won’t leave
They lift me over the fence
Over the moon
They dig my grave
And soak my bones
I wriggled out of my skin
And danced under the sunlight
I let the world fall away
To embrace the woman
I’ve worked so hard to become
The floodgates opened
And washed away all my worries
In that moment
I was free
I am not always the easiest person to talk to. I am fully aware of that. But:
I am capable of change. I am capable of forgiveness, I am capable of learning/listening to new thoughts and ideas even if they compromise my own beliefs.
I tried just following a belief system even though the system compromised my beliefs. It gets hard to pretend once you really sit down and think about what your true values are. It’s always been extremely hard for me to pretend. And even though sometimes the truth pisses me the hell off, if I come to the realization that I’m wrong, I will apologize or I’ll admit I was wrong. And I will do whatever is in my power to either not do it again or adjust my own views to what was true. Even if it means removing myself from a situation. Removing myself is a last resort but sometimes I have to do it. Especially, if I’m explaining my needs, my thoughts, my feelings, and they are disregarded or shoved to the side like an old news paper.
If you can not come to me with the truth, don’t come. If you can not strip away and get to the core of why you believe something. Stop coming. Find someone else to be friends with. I’d rather be alone than have people around me pretending. Disagree with me. Tell me why you do. Most importantly, tell me your life experiences that made you come to this realization. Don’t come to me with non human bs. Be a human. Tell me I hurt you. I’ll tell you why I’m hurt by it. That’s how you bond, that’s how you grow. We get mad. We scream, we yell, or not. We go home, think about that shit, and regroup. Then we come back to it whether it be a couple days weeks months. Just be honest, that’s how bonding happens.
That’s what I want.
To be honest, 3 or 4 years ago this was all very hard because I wasn’t secure in my own faith or values. Over time, my husband and going to school helped me sit down and establish what I currently believe and where my boundaries when it comes to my beliefs and values. So I am now more secure in and listening to conversations (especially religious ones) that compromise my own beliefs. If a topic is sensitive to me I will say that. I will show that, but it took time for me to learn to say, “this is a sensitive topic for me and to explain why.”
From inside my belly
I feel it
The hope for change and the courage to embrace it
My fingers wiggle to the music
a pain stabs my side
Thoughts scatter left and right then sink into my belly
This body so fragile
This mind so wild
I’m almost there
I can feel it.
It doesn’t matter where you start
Just jump in
You’ll start connecting something
Dot to dot
Once you get going it’s amazing how many connections there are
So don’t be a toe dipper
Just jump in and start connecting
I care about what you think of me
Of course, I don’t want to care
I want to write without a worry
Without the need for awards
Or fancy publications
I don’t care what strangers think of me
But you and I are close so I can’t help but care
It’s uncomfortable how my writing depends on your support
But whatever keeps these words comin
Whether it be love whether it be truth
I’ll keep showing up
Caring and all
It’s too late
I’ve tucked myself between two bed sheets
I’ve got work to do
But it’ll have to wait
Because these sheets got me sleepy