So Now, Accept Yourself

You are tough

You weren’t born that way

You came out soft and squishy

And full of fantasies

And you tasted just like sugar

Like melted sugar

And rainbows shot from your eyes in the middle of a hurricane

Then it started

the dying

You realized people did very bad things

That people died for no reason

You realized you were someone to be understood only by a few

And you tried for years to understand why

And tried for years to tell yourself you’d be ok

We’d all be ok and you’d make sure of it

You hid in your silence

In your fear of connecting the wrong things once again

You hid in your stereotypes

Black violence with White credit score

Then the armor came

It collected over the years

You watched and saw how others made it through

You ate

And skipped meals

You slept to help skip them

You skipped em to feed your baby

You skipped em to find love

Then you clung to the illusion that someday you might be good enough

But you, my beautiful tattered soul,

have always been good enough

Since the day rainbows shot out of your big brown eyes

And even the day they started going dim you were still brighter than the north star

You have survived things and never stopped rebuilding

You tear down your walls over and over

And when you rebuild

You don’t rebuild selfishly

You rebuild for every single person who needs to be rebuilt too

Your ability to see the good in monsters is something people will never understand

Stay apart from those who don’t understand you ability to accept

But keep accepting

That is what you were born with and that is what you will die with

And that is your only purpose on this earth

So now accept yourself

-Saschia

Your Wife

She could climb right in the hot dish water

it’s been days since she’s relaxed in a bath

she soaks her hands just a second longer

a crawler wraps around her leg

brings her joy

brings her frustration

“just five more dishes”

wrinkled hand

wrinkled sanity

the crawler lifts a pant leg

“ugh, I need to shave”

soaked hands finagle the pant leg back down

smells like lavender and lemon

tastes like salt and soap

and feels like waiting for a million tomorrows

-Saschia

 

Separation

Things divided

Silverware blankets

random living supplies

But you can’t divide children

Here’s your mail

And your time

But these humans

we have to share

We could be fair about it

But let’s be honest

Life’s not fair

Values aren’t shared

So this is yours

And that is mine

See you the next time

we share the kids

-Saschia

Second Guessing

I made this decision

To stick it out

To see how things go

And feel it out

We all make mistakes

Right

Right?!

Seventy x seven

Right?

My left side aches

My bones quiver

In anxiety in fear in excitement

I am brave

I am beautiful

I am enough

I am tired of being strong

But I made this decision

It’s my choice to stick it out

-Saschia

I Wanted To

I wanted to remove every piece of me
from you

Every secret I told

Every baby flushed down the drain

Every moment I allowed myself to let you see me at my weakest point

Every tear that landed on your shoulder

I wanted it all back

I wanted my love and my sweatshirt

I wanted my lessons and the many moments I stepped outside myself for your benefit

I wanted it all back

But not today

Today I choose love

-Sasch

My Best

I’m showing up

I’m showing up even though I don’t want to

I’m showing up to get something out of it

Even if it’s a seed of hope

I’m showing up because of love

Because of purpose

To have something to believe in

I don’t want to show up

But here I am trying my best to love in the one way I know how

by showing up

♡Saschia

The steam around me is hardly noticed

my feelings

cooped in the shed

that came with our backyard

I take breaths

I feel the shower and take in that very moment

it feels so good to breathe

without a worry

My head rests against the wall

and I think of how hard it is to think

how hard it is to not be automatic

 

I swallow basic thoughts

crunch on mere survival

The fog fills the bathroom

and blurs the mirror

I cannot see me

but I can see the fog

 

❤ Saschia

 

Home Alone

Today has been my first day home alone in an empty house. Alone. The only sounds I hear are the washer and the air purifier. It’s musical. When my husband first left with the kiddos I felt like a kid in the candy store. I was rushing around trying to figure out what I wanted to do first. I had to rip myself away from the cleaning I do when everyone is home so I could actually enjoy my time alone. I decided to turn on the Keurig so that the water would be heated by the time I’m done taking my shower. I am a woman who requires a lot of freedom, but on the other hand, I will so loosely pass that up for my children. I just know, one day, they’re going to be gone living their own lives and I am passionate about investing in my children’s future.

I had to make sure I wrote this down so that I can always come back and appreciate this moment.