Second Guessing

I made this decision

To stick it out

To see how things go

And feel it out

We all make mistakes

Right

Right?!

Seventy x seven

Right?

My left side aches

My bones quiver

In anxiety in fear in excitement

I am brave

I am beautiful

I am enough

I am tired of being strong

But I made this decision

It’s my choice to stick it out

-Saschia

I Wanted To

I wanted to remove every piece of me
from you

Every secret I told

Every baby flushed down the drain

Every moment I allowed myself to let you see me at my weakest point

Every tear that landed on your shoulder

I wanted it all back

I wanted my love and my sweatshirt

I wanted my lessons and the many moments I stepped outside myself for your benefit

I wanted it all back

But not today

Today I choose love

-Sasch

My Best

I’m showing up

I’m showing up even though I don’t want to

I’m showing up to get something out of it

Even if it’s a seed of hope

I’m showing up because of love

Because of purpose

To have something to believe in

I don’t want to show up

But here I am trying my best to love in the one way I know how

by showing up

♡Saschia

The steam around me is hardly noticed

my feelings

cooped in the shed

that came with our backyard

I take breaths

I feel the shower and take in that very moment

it feels so good to breathe

without a worry

My head rests against the wall

and I think of how hard it is to think

how hard it is to not be automatic

 

I swallow basic thoughts

crunch on mere survival

The fog fills the bathroom

and blurs the mirror

I cannot see me

but I can see the fog

 

❤ Saschia

 

Home Alone

Today has been my first day home alone in an empty house. Alone. The only sounds I hear are the washer and the air purifier. It’s musical. When my husband first left with the kiddos I felt like a kid in the candy store. I was rushing around trying to figure out what I wanted to do first. I had to rip myself away from the cleaning I do when everyone is home so I could actually enjoy my time alone. I decided to turn on the Keurig so that the water would be heated by the time I’m done taking my shower. I am a woman who requires a lot of freedom, but on the other hand, I will so loosely pass that up for my children. I just know, one day, they’re going to be gone living their own lives and I am passionate about investing in my children’s future.

I had to make sure I wrote this down so that I can always come back and appreciate this moment.

A Precious Thing

I rush to get my work done

Less thought takes less energy

Which sends me off to bed early

I could spend the day contemplating

The balance between Plato’s and Nietzsche’s opinions of “the good life”

But the amount of energy it takes to develop that opinion is far too great

It’d be smushed between diapers, and baby exercises, and naps

-Hot tea-Hot tea gets me through!

Even on these hot days

But these poems they’re rushed because energy is a precious thing for a nursing mommy

-Saschia