Notes from the Experiment

“I want to write the book that breaks rules just enough to let something holy slip through.” -Jayne.Press

I know what I wanted when I started this novel. I wanted an experimental fiction novel that not only allows me to express myself. I wanted it to get under people’s skin (just a little bit). But when it gets under their skin, I don’t want to be there. Annnd, since I’ve realized that I don’t really want to be there when people are annoyed by my experimenting, I kind of backed off a little bit. For now, at least. It just seems a bit irresponsible to get everyone all flustered and then not want to show up for it.

Now I’m debating how far I want to go. I don’t want people to throw the book down out of frustration. I want them to be frustrated (a little bit) with my audacity and keep reading because they need to know what happens. And I want to feed my readers’ minds and souls. I want us all, me included, to reach the end of my novel and feel like, yes, this is exactly what I wanted.

And that’s all.

No big deal.

Just took years of tinkering.

And then there’s quotes like this…

“Art is not about pleasing. It’s about provoking, expanding, and sometimes, confusing.”
— Tilda Swinton

And I think to myself fuck it, Sasch, go all the way and don’t apologize.

I’ve always wanted this. My entire life. To be a writer in the throes of it all and here I am.

The Cat Loaf

“I’ve unchained myself from the masters I longed to be and accepted the full responsibility of showing up for myself.”

There’s a lot of things I wanted to be and a lot of leaders I’ve wanted to emulate. I’m finally seeing things a bit more clearly. It’s not like a light went on in my head. It was no aha moment. It’s the feeling when you promise to feed your cat and you say just one second let me finish these dishes. Then you clean the bathroom, then your bedroom, then you reorganize your Pokémon cards and find your cat in a loaf silently sleeping by its bowl. Yes, that one. I mean of course your cat’s not starving, but the point is you told your cat you’d be there but got caught up in busy work. That is what I’m feeling like right now. So this is more like a re-commitment to owning my life again.

I don’t feel like I’m being bludgeoned over the head. I feel a quiet welcome back to my commitments saying, “Here’s where you left off, if you’re ready.” And of course, I, the intellectual I am, must sit down (or not sit down) and ask, “Am I ready?”

Of course I’m ready. Anything other than feeding my soul is far more boring and lacks the love that touches—well, the point is yes. I’m ready. I’m ready to get back to owning my life again.

Sunday Solitude

Earlier this week, I was wondering if there was something wrong with the way I take solitude. I wondered if maybe I should be out there more and take less solitude. The first thing that comes to mind is that I don’t take solitude for the luxury of it. I take solitude so that I can show up to my commitments with my whole self. I think that’s enough, but I feel even more confirmed after reading this quote shared by Maria Popova on The Marginalian.

“To my mind there is nothing in life so delightful as that feeling of relief, of escape, and absolute freedom which one experiences in a vast solitude, where man has perhaps never been, and has, at any rate, left no trace of his existence.” -William Henry Hudson

Fills My Soul

“Life beats down and crushes the soul and art reminds you that you have one.” -Stella Adler

It’s interesting; I’ve remained disciplined in my writing, but it just feels like I’ve lost touch with my passion over the last couple of years. I’ve learned to appreciate the beauty in my daily tasks, so I have great respect for a boring life. At the same time, life is meant to be lived—to be fun and adventurous. So now, I’m slowly rebuilding my writing life. There’s no other place where I feel like I’m sinking into a mixture of vulnerability and purpose all at the same time. Writing is the only place where I can actually feel like I’m doing something that fills my soul.

What fills your soul?

Writing Community

“The greatness of a community is most accurately measured by the compassionate actions of its members.” -Coretta Scott King

I appreciate the WordPress community. I’ve been digging back into my writing life, and I’m reconnecting with so many WordPress bloggers. It’s a slow crawl through the community, but I’m already finding some great writing. I can’t wait to start sharing what I find!

If you haven’t taken some time to use Reader on your WordPress blog, you’re missing out on some great connections. Maybe in the future, I’ll share a post on how to have fun navigating Reader and how easy it is to connect with new writers across the globe.

What do you think? Have you used the Reader? If not, are you itching to make new connections?

A Writer’s Truth

“Writing a book is an adventure. To begin with it is a toy and an amusement. Then it becomes a mistress, then it becomes a master, then it becomes a tyrant. The last phase is that just as you are about to be reconciled to your servitude, you kill the monster and fling him to the public.” – Winston Churchill

I can’t believe how accurate this quote is. I feel like I’ve only read Churchill in school and I don’t remember much about him, but this feels very on point when it comes to novel writing. I didn’t realize the level of commitment it took to write a novel, and what’s strange is I’m still here, still writing, and I still want to do it again and again. Maybe I’ll be faster next time. Maybe not. But I’m here for the long run. And I hope it continues to bring me life, or in other words, adds to it.

I’m a writer. How about you?

Rest and Reset

“It is not enough to be busy. So are the ants. The question is: what are we busy about?”
Henry David Thoreau

I’m feeling very restful today. I’ve had zero caffeine and read books, letting myself flow through the day. I’m juggling a few things but taking my time with all of them. With my 40th birthday coming, I’m tired of rushing around. I want to take my time, and I want to be intentional about the things I sign up for. With the new moon here, I felt that it was the perfect reason to rest and reset my mind and my emotions.

If you had permission to move at your own pace today, what would shift?

Writing Rules I Live By

“I have advice for people who want to write. I don’t care whether they’re 5 or 500. There are three things that are important: First, if you want to write, you need to keep an honest, unpublishable journal that nobody reads, nobody but you. Where you just put down what you think about life, what you think about things, what you think is fair and what you think is unfair. And second, you need to read. You can’t be a writer if you’re not a reader. It’s the great writers who teach us how to write. The third thing is to write. Just write a little bit every day. Even if it’s for only half an hour — write, write, write.” – Madeleine L’Engle

This is my daily life on paper written by somebody else. Madeleine L’Engle wrote several books including, “A Wrinkle in Time.” I journal, read, and write. Sometimes I don’t give myself time to read, but I know I feel better as a writer after I read. It’s like reading unlocks the part of my brain that closes when I’m focused on the responsibilities of life.

Do you live by these rules as a writer?

A New Journal

“Isn’t it mysterious to begin a new journal like this? I can run my fingers through the fresh clean pages but I cannot guess what the writing on them will be.” – Maud Hart Lovelace

It’s interesting, I just wrote about how it feels to think up the first few words when you start a novel. Now this quote, this quote is different because now we’re talking about starting fresh on a journal. Starting a new journal is like opening presents on Christmas. You crack that cover open and you get to pour more and more thoughts into the world. It’s way less pressure for me. I don’t do anything special when I journal. What I mean by that is that there aren’t many rules when I journal. No having to stay in the lines. I mean, I try not to ramble too much about things other than writing, but that still leaves me with plenty to journal about.

I just started a fresh journal in June. Do you still use paper journals? Do you journal?

A Delicious Life

“There is something delicious about writing the first words of a story. You never quite know where they’ll take you.” – Beatrix Potter

I started following Florence Given on IG, and I adore her. She uses the word delicious when referring to things that bring us joy, even outside of food. So when I saw this quote, it lit my fire.

I’m fully invested in having a delicious summer; I hope it flows into the fall.

Writing those first words of your story is a completely different place from where you finish. It feels like it’s been forever since I started this novel. ::deep sigh:: The editing process is long and comes with as many ups and downs as a marriage. But I deeply enjoy the connection I have to this novel.

This novel is a commitment that makes me feel purposeful and self-expressive. It makes me feel free, loved, and delighted. (Wow, that went full circle fast.)

Stop villainizing your desires!

Candlelit dinners with deep conversations and a man who knows deep in his gut that he’s better off with me.
A book where I am free to express all those different aspects, universal and deeply personal.
A place where I get to take myself to the depths that others have no interest in knowing.

Yes, all delicious. All part of the life I absolutely love waking up to every single day.

What are you dreaming of that you have been denying yourself lately? Or what did you finally take the time to enjoy?