I’m not always able to work at full capacity. It’s important for me to be honest with myself about that. I am a social entrepreneur because I consistently show up. Not because I’m good at it, not because I can raise millions of dollars over night or that I have some outrageous following. I’m a social entrepreneur because I consistently care, show up, and adapt.

I’m no business guru but I know that burn out is a huge issue in the non profit sector. According to Tiloma Jayasinghe who wrote an article Avoiding Burnout and Preserving Movement Leadership in the Nonprofit Quarterly

Nonprofit executives in particular face a high risk of burning out, and this is even more true for leaders of color

Further in the article she gives advice on how to manage yourself while you’re burned out. She says “do the things that feel selfish and indulgent.” I believe self care in nonprofit work is a necessity for sustainability. Burn out can cause all sorts of negative feelings, emotional and physical both of which if unchecked can lead to suicidal thoughts and ideations or ultimately suicide.

Consequently, about 30 percent of nonprofit workers are burned out, with an additional 20 percent in danger of burning out. That’s 50 percent of the nonprofit workforce at the end, or near the end of their tether. That’s half of the humans who drive this nation’s third-largest employment sector not being able to sustain a long-term career without compromising their health, resilience, and security.

I need reminders sometimes about why it’s ok to work daily in small steps. I hope that someone else will use this reminder and be gentle on themselves. We don’t need to consistently work at full capacity. We just need to work consistently. When you understand that building a business takes time, you save space for the finished product.

“Best Option”

Yesterday I briefly spoke about how I’m adjusting to going into non profit work (You can read it here.). One of the things I said was, “so, this seems like the best option.” I just want to explore that for moment. There is clearly some hesitation in that statement. Maybe even some insecurity. Let’s be honest we’re all a little nervous to start something new. We all make mistakes, so a little hesitation is perfectly healthy and understandable. Yeah, I’m scared a lot. With a lot of paperwork and people and looking stupid and even more so causing stress to someone I respect and love. Being a leader comes with great responsibility. I knew that when I signed up for the job.

Now that we’ve gotten all the honesty out of the way, let’s talk. My first and last job was the same job within the nonprofit sector. I have worked at many other jobs. A donut shop, glorified babysitting for gamblers, a golf course, shoot I even worked at a summer camp simply for the experience. I have tested the waters and have gone to school and began my education. Once I gained more of an education, I was sure that nonprofit work was going to be in my future no matter what.

So when I say it seems like my best option, that was me understating that this is my dream job. And even with all the mess, with all the chaos and confusion, all the meetings (most of which I love), and all the uncertainty that comes with start up, this is what I’ve waited years to do. I want to be successful at it. I dream about being successful and I do the work. I’m going to keep going.

The Adjustment

I’ve been a stay at home mom or in school for the last 8 years. Adjusting to starting a nonprofit has been tough. It’s tough for many reasons but even so, this seems like the best option because it’s something I can do for a long time. I’m a sensitive, committed, and loyal individual so temporary dead end jobs are not at all in my interest. It would be detrimental to my well-being to stay in a job that doesn’t suit me. That’s why creating a space that is important to me, where I can be for years is perfect for me. Adjusting right now is hard but in the long run, it’s exactly what I want to do and have wanted to do for years.

Sleeping

Losing sleep is one of the most frustrating things for me. I used to sacrifice sleep all the time but as time passed, I realized how much lack of sleep increased my stress levels. With my stress levels increased it makes it hard for me to do things I can normally do with no sweat. It also makes it hard for me to enjoy things that usually bring me joy.

Sounds like depression but it’s actually just lack of sleep. The difference is depression stays when I’m rested. When I’m just tired, sleep is the cure and I wake up a whole new woman. Well, it feels that way at least.

Here’s some things I do for a good nights sleep

I write. Writing helps me sleep so much better. It’s like it releases all my stress and thoughts for the day.

I try to eat my last meal for the day between 4 and 5pm

Healthy diet and exercise helps. I’m always working on that.

Let people help me. This is a big one. Stress is so bad for our health. Once I started sharing the load my stress levels decreased so much which helped me get a better night’s sleep.

I allow myself to rest. Transitioning from high levels of stress with little to no support to having more a support system was tough for me. I felt guilty for being tired and needing to rest. But the truth is my body needed to rest. Once I learned that my body was begging me for exactly what it needed I was better able to focus on the healing needed.

Those are a few things I do to help me sleep better. What are some things you do for a better night’s sleep?

Sticking It Out

How in the world is this going to work?

How can doing all this come to anything?

I don’t know. I really don’t know. I know that I’m happy here. I know that if this could last forever, I’d let it. I’m ok with change, but I don’t need to fight for it. It comes to me willingly like an obsessed lover. Anyways, the point is I’m so deep in uncertainty, I can’t even feel it anymore. And when I do, I know it’s when I’m focused on the wrong things. I’m going to make it. Not because I’m an underdog but because there’s something inside me. And I can’t really explain what that something is. Heck I don’t even feel comfortable talking about it. Let’s call it faith or hope or maybe even self love. I just know I’m sticking this one out.

Painted Nails

I haven’t had time to do small things for myself lately. I’ve been going non stop! But today I found time to paint my nails. I painted them pale pink and I love them. I do forgot how long it takes to dry them so I accidently smudged my thumb. I used to get my nails done regularly with the white airbrushed tips.

I don’t have any profound thoughts from painting my nails. Just that the little things mater.

I Love Baths

I hope my future has a hot tub in it.

I love baths. Bubbles, oils, candle light, all of it. I’ve always wanted one of those trays for the bath. Mostly because I’ve never had one. As for my love baths, there was even a brief time in my adult life where I would only take baths. I was trying my best to go completely natural but I’ve returned to my old ways. I still try my best to stay away from too much chemicals. I’m glad I took that time because it allowed me learn my body and figure what I could go without and what I couldn’t. At the end, I found that my products shouldn’t be too harsh or they’d cause irritation but I also have to watch for build up.

None of that is really important. What’s important is the hot tub in my future. (this makes me giggle) Hey writers are supposed to dream. Besides my plan is massive writing sessions then a brain cool down in the hot tub.

Aladdin in The Cave of Wonders

I’ve been thinking about this scene a lot lately. I remember as a kid thinking to myself how there was no way I was going to screw up a chance like that. I’d follow directions properly. Then I’d remind myself that it wasn’t Aladdin’s fault in this scene, it was Abu’s fault. And then my next question was, would I survive? It was always a humbling internal conversation.

Why is this scene important to the rest of the story? Was this the only way for Aladdin to find a magic lamp? Why did it have to be in a scary cave where we was never going to escape from?

The first thing that comes to mind after these questions is,

When you hit rock bottom, the only other way is up.

Aladdin finds magic in the bottom of a cave where he was supposed to die. I’m not suggesting that we all dive head first toward rock bottom. I’m suggesting that maybe this part of the movie was added to give those who felt they are at rock some hope.

Hope is nice. We don’t always need hope but when we do it can be life saving.

So that’s my grown up thoughts on Aladdin in The Cave of Wonders scene.

Coffee Love/Hate

My love/hate relationship with coffee.

I appreciate the energy coffee gives me. What’s even better is that I learned how I like my coffee made. I just hate that it makes me feel foggy the next day. Sometimes it feels like my best option is to drink another coffee. I don’t like that feeling. The feeling that the drug causing the negative feelings is also the cure.

This will not in any way stop me from enjoying a coffee here and there. It just bothers me. Why does such a nice yummy energizing thing have to make me feel bad? Why can’t it just be a nice thing and that be the end of the story?

Sway

There’s always going
to be the pull,
the spiral.
There’s always going to be
the darkness that lingers under the bed.
It’ll grab you by the heels.
It’ll knock you out
and suck you in right
when you expect it to (or not).

There’s a rhythm.
There’s a dance and
they say the best way around
is through.

Dance.
Close your eyes and dance.

There’s always going to be
light.
You’re always going to rise.