On Infidelity and Monsters

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When would he realize that it wasn’t his infidelity I couldn’t bear, but his cowardice?
― 
Tatiana de Rosnay, Sarah’s Key

Infidelity is something I’m exploring right now. Since there’s different types, I’m referring to the type that involves an entire secret relationship. What hurts about it? The inability to face the betrayed partner? The sucker punch to the ego? The false persona being portrayed to keep up with all the lies? I often explore the judgement I have for individuals who go this route. Coincidently, I’m not the only one who explores the idea of betrayal, it’s been written about since the beginning of time. I think we’ve all experienced the sting of betrayal at some point in our lives. I mean, God provided Adam and Eve with everything they could ever imagine and He still got betrayed.

Now, this bias clearly isn’t deep in my unconscious, but it would be if I didn’t take time to explore the issue. I’ve been taught since childhood that cheating on your spouse is very wrong and hurtful. And I do agree, but they were taught to me in a way that made cheaters seem almost inhuman or monstrous. The truth is it’s so human to lie and cheat. It’s very human to betray others and even more so to betray ourselves. But does that make you monster? I don’t think cheating spouses are monsters. No matter how much respect I lose for them, they are not monsters.

The only people that can’t handle the truth are those that suffer so much anxiety that they will live in denial, in order to prevent their illusion from being destroyed and feeling more anxiety.
― 
Shannon L. Alder

To put it simply, they have internal issues that need to be worked out before they enter into or continue any type of relationship. Their only option to move forward is to face the reasons why they are seeking something outside themselves for fulfilment. The issue won’t disappear when you make one woman (or man) disappear, there will always be more. The issue will never disappear, it will only fall into the background when it’s resolved, as a sort of reminder.

So as an adult, if people are doing things that are in my opinion, wrong, like infidelity, I do not peg them as monsters. They are simply creatures who are still learning to grow and evolve. Don’t get me wrong, I get angry and protective when someone attempts to take away the peace in my household, but to be clear, I don’t think cheaters are monsters, I think they’re human.

Feelings are much like waves, we can’t stop them from coming, but we can choose which ones to surf.

~Jonatan Mårtensson~

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So to wrap things up here, I’d like to share a fictional letter written to a character in one of my stories who was going through a similar experience. I wrote it for encouragement in the midst of my own heartbreak. I was devastated and letters like these where I was supporting “others” really got me through the experience. An experience I really really don’t want to endure again, not even in any other lifetimes. (If that’s a thing)

This is my soul work.

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Dear Broken Hearted Woman,

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On Your Worst Days

Letters To Myself

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On your worst days you are a work of art because what makes you a masterpiece isn’t your perfection it’s your scars –Jayne.Press

On your worst day, I’m going to be here building you up. I’m going to tell you you’re beautiful and smart and strong. It’s ok to be scared and it’s ok to be tired and broken. I’m going to let you rest and when you’re ready to get out there again. We’re going out there, but we aren’t going out there blind, no, not this time. You are going to be aware of your feelings and your surroundings and when you’ve had enough, you’re going to speak up and say “enough.” Then you are going to rise up and walk away.

Because you are worthy and you are loved.

We got this. We are going to get through this.

-Sasch

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Your Wife III

She pokes and prods

Yells and screams

She wants sex

She wants to feel sexy

And dinner out

And he worked

he worked his ass off

But she wants wants wants

And the kids are hungry

And work is calling while they sit at the dinner table

Chicken and salad…. again

He’s glad he got fast food

But now she’s hurt and mad and sad

And needs attention

But he’s tired and she understands

So she cries in the bedroom with the baby

because she knows she’s too much

She wants to be more

To cook better

To look better with her hair and nails done

She nods off

baby on lap

Daughter in bed

Mom in chair

Dad somewhere she hopes is comfortable enough for him to get rest

So maybe just maybe tomorrow

he’ll finally have the energy to put up with her

Maybe he’ll even bring flowers

-Saschia

What is Worth Fighting For?

There should only be a few things

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If you allow it too much to fall into your bucket of things worth fighting for you’re going to get off track from your true calling. It’s easy to end up fighting battles that aren’t yours to fight. For me, there are only three things I think are worth fighting for, relationships as in my family and friends, my dreams, and being honest about my truths. Anything outside of that, is a distraction or entertainment.

I want my family and friends to have a life where they grow up knowing their worth, their voice, and what they bring to the table. I want to bring those things into their lives. In the past I did drop the ball on those things but I have rebuilt myself so many times that the only thing I want to bring into their presence from here on out is encouragement, empowerment, support and what ever else goes with loving them unconditionally.

My dreams have been my only reason to get out of bed. I lean on them. My hope is that my dreams will outlive me. What else is better to have in our darkest times than hope in our dreams?

I was a quiet girl. Sometimes I was a coward to keep the peace. Sometimes I blew up because I kept my mouth shut too long. I’ve made a lot of mistakes by not being honest about my feelings and about who I am as a person. Sometimes I even say things I don’t mean when someone treats me as if I’m worthless. And for those inappropriate things I’ve said, I’m sorry. I reacted and I shouldn’t have. I understand some things I have said can’t be taken back, but I will show you with my actions that I didn’t mean them. Please know, everyday I push myself to be honest about how I really feel. Everyday I try to explain why I’m angry, sad, or quiet. I’m not out here trying to be malicious with my honesty. I’m not using my honesty to prove to you that I can say things that are going to upset you. I’m honest because I know it’s my best option.

Those are my priorities. Those are the things I want to focus on. What are your top three priorities in life. I’d love to hear them.

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Your Wife

She could climb right in the hot dish water

it’s been days since she’s relaxed in a bath

she soaks her hands just a second longer

a crawler wraps around her leg

brings her joy

brings her frustration

“just five more dishes”

wrinkled hand

wrinkled sanity

the crawler lifts a pant leg

“ugh, I need to shave”

soaked hands finagle the pant leg back down

smells like lavender and lemon

tastes like salt and soap

and feels like waiting for a million tomorrows

-Saschia

 

Make Way For The Things You Love

Embrace the Pain

“Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing.” -Fight Club

Life is full of pain. I’m not here to sell you sunshine and roses. We are going to suffer.

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We’ll face times when our entire body aches from head to toe. It might be hard to breathe. To do the things we’ve always done without much thought.

Then it hits us. We’re falling apart. We wasted so much time worrying about gaining aches and pains that we missed out on opportunities. We missed out on people and places and things.

But here’s the thing, if you’re reading this, it’s not too late gain new opportunities. It’s not too late to be honest. To go back to the things you loved and loved doing.

How?

You embrace the pain.

You sit and feel every ounce of pain and you stare it in the face until you’re too tired to do it any more. Then you wake up and do it again. It’s not going to be easy but just keep going. It’s going to take time but it’s worth it. You’ll get through it, then all those monsters you tucked deep inside you, become your tools. They become your reminders of how far you’ve come and how you’re strong enough to keep going.

The more you show up to face your monsters, the more you can learn to use them as tools for your growth and advancement in life. The more that you use them as tools, the smaller they shrink. Eventually the fear of facing them becomes a memory and you have moved on to bigger and better things. The monsters are still there, but now they don’t hold you back from the things you love. Tamed monsters make way for you to love the things you love in a healthy wholesome way.

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars. Kahlil Gibran

Being able to love those closest to you in a healthy and wholesome makes room for so many other opportunities.

Here’s a post on 

Quote Cred

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How To Connect With Other Writers

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I’m Going to Love You

I’m not going to write you love letters

I’m going to show you I’ll always be here

I’m going to be completely

And unapologetically me

I’m going to get mad

I’m going to be selfish with you

I’m going to ask you to do things you don’t wanna do

But my mad comes with acceptance

My protective comes with peace

And I can promise you, I like it when you tell me no

you may not like me for any of that,

but I’m going to love you anyway

-Sasch

Stitched Together

From time to time I think of you

From minute to minute you cross my mind

From hour to hour I’m lost in our fantasies

If I stopped I might lose you

So I leave myself little reminders

Moons and doors

and stars as big as your eyes

The truth is I don’t need reminders

But they bring me closer to you

-Sasch

Co Dependency Cheat Sheet

I have copy and pasted some different viewpoints on Codependency. Codependency looks normal in a society that sweeps mental health under the carpet. Makes me want to print this out and tape it to my wall for when I feel a bout of reactivity taking over my brain space.

, “Codependency is a behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity.”

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, “Growing up with an unreliable or unavailable parent means taking on the role of caretaker and/or enabler. A child in this situation puts the parent’s needs first. Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. As a result, its members repress emotions and disregard their own needs to focus on the needs of the unavailable parent(s). When the “parentified” child becomes an adult, he or she repeats the same dynamic in their adult relationships.

, “The main consequence of codependency is that “[c]odependents, busy taking care of others, forget to take care of themselves, resulting in a disturbance of identity development” (Knudson & Terrell, 2012).

20 Signs Of Codependency (Via PositivePsychology.com)

What does codependency actually look like? Some of the things that have been found to correlate with codependency include (Marks et al., 2012):

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