On Infidelity and Monsters

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When would he realize that it wasn’t his infidelity I couldn’t bear, but his cowardice?
― 
Tatiana de Rosnay, Sarah’s Key

Infidelity is something I’m exploring right now. Since there’s different types, I’m referring to the type that involves an entire secret relationship. What hurts about it? The inability to face the betrayed partner? The sucker punch to the ego? The false persona being portrayed to keep up with all the lies? I often explore the judgement I have for individuals who go this route. Coincidently, I’m not the only one who explores the idea of betrayal, it’s been written about since the beginning of time. I think we’ve all experienced the sting of betrayal at some point in our lives. I mean, God provided Adam and Eve with everything they could ever imagine and He still got betrayed.

Now, this bias clearly isn’t deep in my unconscious, but it would be if I didn’t take time to explore the issue. I’ve been taught since childhood that cheating on your spouse is very wrong and hurtful. And I do agree, but they were taught to me in a way that made cheaters seem almost inhuman or monstrous. The truth is it’s so human to lie and cheat. It’s very human to betray others and even more so to betray ourselves. But does that make you monster? I don’t think cheating spouses are monsters. No matter how much respect I lose for them, they are not monsters.

The only people that can’t handle the truth are those that suffer so much anxiety that they will live in denial, in order to prevent their illusion from being destroyed and feeling more anxiety.
― 
Shannon L. Alder

To put it simply, they have internal issues that need to be worked out before they enter into or continue any type of relationship. Their only option to move forward is to face the reasons why they are seeking something outside themselves for fulfilment. The issue won’t disappear when you make one woman (or man) disappear, there will always be more. The issue will never disappear, it will only fall into the background when it’s resolved, as a sort of reminder.

So as an adult, if people are doing things that are in my opinion, wrong, like infidelity, I do not peg them as monsters. They are simply creatures who are still learning to grow and evolve. Don’t get me wrong, I get angry and protective when someone attempts to take away the peace in my household, but to be clear, I don’t think cheaters are monsters, I think they’re human.

Feelings are much like waves, we can’t stop them from coming, but we can choose which ones to surf.

~Jonatan Mårtensson~

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So to wrap things up here, I’d like to share a fictional letter written to a character in one of my stories who was going through a similar experience. I wrote it for encouragement in the midst of my own heartbreak. I was devastated and letters like these where I was supporting “others” really got me through the experience. An experience I really really don’t want to endure again, not even in any other lifetimes. (If that’s a thing)

This is my soul work.

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Photo by Zohre Nemati on Unsplash

Dear Broken Hearted Woman,

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Your Wife III

She pokes and prods

Yells and screams

She wants sex

She wants to feel sexy

And dinner out

And he worked

he worked his ass off

But she wants wants wants

And the kids are hungry

And work is calling while they sit at the dinner table

Chicken and salad…. again

He’s glad he got fast food

But now she’s hurt and mad and sad

And needs attention

But he’s tired and she understands

So she cries in the bedroom with the baby

because she knows she’s too much

She wants to be more

To cook better

To look better with her hair and nails done

She nods off

baby on lap

Daughter in bed

Mom in chair

Dad somewhere she hopes is comfortable enough for him to get rest

So maybe just maybe tomorrow

he’ll finally have the energy to put up with her

Maybe he’ll even bring flowers

-Saschia

Your Wife II

His waves crash

Like an ancient melody

They play my song

They pull me in

I dive and dive

Only to be denied

I sit I cry

I beg and plead

Open up to me

I’m left drenched with a

Mouth full of sea foam

Drowning in an eerie silence

I’ve become a pirate

Forever in love with circling

His seas

-Saschia

My Last Love Letter

There you were

Beneath my naked body

stripped bare

To the bone

To the soul

And still you stood

Unwavering next to my shattered bones

Next to my full and emptied womb

You accepted my child so much so

you cried to let her go

You taught her to tie her shoes

and taught me I’m someone worth being worried for

Then there’s your real laugh

The rare one that shows up when you’re caught off gaurd with a funny

Your firm squeeze against my thighs

Are both memories I’ll send to the heavens with hopes they’ll return when I’m ready to smile about you again

Not a bullet in the world could have taken you from me, if I could’ve stopped it

Not a job

Not a bad habit

Or a stinky sock

You were my reason

You were

why my heart beat

and why it flowed

And why it will continue to beat this way

until I stop breathing

-Saschia

Stop Saying the L Word

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I enjoy a good romance or a good cry from the loss of a character I’ve come to feel close to. I like delaying or sacrificing my own current desires for my daughters. I like spending time with those I feel most connected to. These are all descriptions of love. But I’d really like to see us start getting more creative by using descriptions of how you show appreciation to those closest to you.

When I started using other words besides the word love, it opened a ton of different ways I could develop a healthy relationship with myself. “Yes, Self, I love you” just became redundant and didn’t really help me step into a place of action. Now, when I’m doing something for myself I define the action. “I’m going to allow myself to step away to write because it helps me unload my thoughts which gives me the energy to focus on the needs of my daughters and my mother.”

Love is a beautiful word and I don’t want to wipe it from our language, but maybe we have allowed it to become too general. We’ve allowed it to become this elusive thing that is selective to only those with the ability to feel, but that’s not true. So let’s stop using love as a magical word, and instead try out using different words or phrases that show how you are stepping into action for those closest to you.

Here’s a list of different action words that we can use instead of love.

You are fully…..Read more