Under The Knife

Fear’s shadow lingers in the crack below the door

I keep that door locked

Even though sometimes it swings wide open

I pace by it from time to time

But I don’t even touch the handle

I hate to twiddle my thumbs

While I think up the worst case scenario

I don’t even like to talk about it

But maybe if I share

You’ll see it too

and then

In front of our eyes

The door will disappear

-Saschia

Fear is healthy and normal but it’s not meant to control your entire life.

Second Guessing

I made this decision

To stick it out

To see how things go

And feel it out

We all make mistakes

Right

Right?!

Seventy x seven

Right?

My left side aches

My bones quiver

In anxiety in fear in excitement

I am brave

I am beautiful

I am enough

I am tired of being strong

But I made this decision

It’s my choice to stick it out

-Saschia

Threshold

I crossed the threshold.

It took some time.

I paced the door

looked in the key hole

I even tested the handle

then finally, I crossed the threshold

only to find another hall

full of a hundred more wonky doors

This is a nice hall

I hall worth resting in

I’ll test some more doors tomorrow

 

-Sasch

Seasons of solitude Or Seasons of hell

Just Behind My Lips

I have come up with a plan!

It sat with excitement just behind my lips

I tried so hard to cage it in

to keep my plans a secret

“shhhh” I hushed

 

Anyway, now the plan makes no sense

I spoke it aloud to try and find the sense in it

but the sense has left it altogether

because all my loved ones have died and gone

and the only point was to see them

but!

I have come up with a plan

and I will see to it I finish everything I listed

I will visit their empty homes

their tombs

their favorite spaces

alone

with no fear

with no emotion or purpose other than to fill time

I fill my time with plans

and thoughts

 

with an arm lifted and a fist clinched

I’ll stand watch for woodpeckers (those where her favorite)

and I’ll wait for hours at his favorite restaurant

to taste the steak he suggested (it’s a meal only few know of that’s not on the menu)

there is something in these things left to me by the dead

it’s a fulfillment of something I planned

and even if there’s is no one to share it with

I will have these memories as my own

 

<3Saschia

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This Is My Calling