From now on I will believe in my writing. I will be confident enough to be teachable while also being true to me. It took a lot of work to be able to write that and mean it at the same time. It’s not just an affirmation it’s a statement of who I’ve become. I will continue to reflect on this so I can maintain my belief. But I hope to stay here if not forever for as long as possible.
I love my life and accept that most days I’m not going to check everything off the list and that is ok.
I don’t really have anything left to say
I could write some happy bullshit
I could write the emo shit I love
But I don’t have it in me
Momming is all I have to do right now
Everything else has sunk back into the background
A penny in a crack On the sidewalk
A dollar bill blows
Tilting side to side the way a butterfly does but less graceful
The Receipts rested on a pile of trash in the bin
Collected by a man dressed in blue
The penny is still Wedged between two squares of cement
There is a reason why you’re here
It’s to read this poem and to realize this poem’s existence would cease without you
It would be silent
A dead silence with the night air stuck in a place that never really existed
It would lack the chaos of us
Trees would fall into oblivion
I would fall into oblivion.
there’d be no us
there’d be no poetry
You are the poetry
Sky as bare as a new born
My rebirth causes an itch under my fingernails
If only I could reach it
I’m trying so hard to embrace this body
To push and mold it
But I get so tired
And yet that doesn’t stop me
I lift my demons and sweat them outta me
Because there’s no other way
To get where I’m going without persistence
You are accepted the way you are
I’ve prayed and hoped for a different you
For so many years
Now, I have reached a place where
You are who you are
And that gave me more room for love
I feel the madness trickling in
Under the door- through the door
Makes my legs electric and
My heart flighty
Madness waits for no door
To be opened
It stains eyeballs red
As reality quakes out of view
Let it trickle let it trickle
Because there’s no escaping it.
Going human was my best decision
Letting me be something full of both
Flaws and beauty
Striving for better
Still acknowledging my best efforts
From a tree
to ash drifting far and wide
This summer I slowed down on a lot of my writing. Worked on the screenplay and some poetry here and there but mostly just backed off and you know what? I realized I have been working my booty off the past two years and not realizing it. And not appreciating my own best efforts. Not in a bragging type of way but in a way that made me realize This Is my best effort. And I feel like the artist Eyck reached through time and confirmed that for me.
Above the portrait painted on the frame which isn’t show here (but you can see it here) the words As I can or “Als Ich Can” written in Greek are painted on the frame. Now there are different ways that line has been interpreted. One is that it is simply a self portrait and he is playing on the pun Ich and his last name Eyck.
Another interesting idea is that as I can is coming from part of a motto that scribes would put at the end manuscripts that they have copied. They would write the entire motto “As I can not as I would.” Or in other words this is the best I can do, I wish I can do better. So he dropped I wish I could do better and just wrote As I can or This is the best I can do.
For some of us artists this is a profound realization. Coming to the place where you accept that you are doing your best work and having the ability to appreciate that. I think that this is a portrait of that moment for him. He found his niche his sweet spot. Makes me wonder if he ever looked at sculptures or mathematicians and thought man I wish I could be more them. But learned to find joy in the talents he excelled in. Oil paints, adding depth, and making sure to add the minute details made his work stand out from the rest even to this day. His works evoke feelings, thoughts, curiosity, and even with me his work confirmed that I need to accept my best efforts for my best efforts.