On Infidelity and Monsters

Image for post
Photo by Casper Johansson on Unsplash

When would he realize that it wasn’t his infidelity I couldn’t bear, but his cowardice?
― 
Tatiana de Rosnay, Sarah’s Key

Infidelity is something I’m exploring right now. Since there’s different types, I’m referring to the type that involves an entire secret relationship. What hurts about it? The inability to face the betrayed partner? The sucker punch to the ego? The false persona being portrayed to keep up with all the lies? I often explore the judgement I have for individuals who go this route. Coincidently, I’m not the only one who explores the idea of betrayal, it’s been written about since the beginning of time. I think we’ve all experienced the sting of betrayal at some point in our lives. I mean, God provided Adam and Eve with everything they could ever imagine and He still got betrayed.

Now, this bias clearly isn’t deep in my unconscious, but it would be if I didn’t take time to explore the issue. I’ve been taught since childhood that cheating on your spouse is very wrong and hurtful. And I do agree, but they were taught to me in a way that made cheaters seem almost inhuman or monstrous. The truth is it’s so human to lie and cheat. It’s very human to betray others and even more so to betray ourselves. But does that make you monster? I don’t think cheating spouses are monsters. No matter how much respect I lose for them, they are not monsters.

The only people that can’t handle the truth are those that suffer so much anxiety that they will live in denial, in order to prevent their illusion from being destroyed and feeling more anxiety.
― 
Shannon L. Alder

To put it simply, they have internal issues that need to be worked out before they enter into or continue any type of relationship. Their only option to move forward is to face the reasons why they are seeking something outside themselves for fulfilment. The issue won’t disappear when you make one woman (or man) disappear, there will always be more. The issue will never disappear, it will only fall into the background when it’s resolved, as a sort of reminder.

So as an adult, if people are doing things that are in my opinion, wrong, like infidelity, I do not peg them as monsters. They are simply creatures who are still learning to grow and evolve. Don’t get me wrong, I get angry and protective when someone attempts to take away the peace in my household, but to be clear, I don’t think cheaters are monsters, I think they’re human.

Feelings are much like waves, we can’t stop them from coming, but we can choose which ones to surf.

~Jonatan Mårtensson~

Image for post
Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

So to wrap things up here, I’d like to share a fictional letter written to a character in one of my stories who was going through a similar experience. I wrote it for encouragement in the midst of my own heartbreak. I was devastated and letters like these where I was supporting “others” really got me through the experience. An experience I really really don’t want to endure again, not even in any other lifetimes. (If that’s a thing)

This is my soul work.

Image for post
Photo by Zohre Nemati on Unsplash

Dear Broken Hearted Woman,

Read More on Medium

On Your Worst Days

Letters To Myself

Image for post

On your worst days you are a work of art because what makes you a masterpiece isn’t your perfection it’s your scars –Jayne.Press

On your worst day, I’m going to be here building you up. I’m going to tell you you’re beautiful and smart and strong. It’s ok to be scared and it’s ok to be tired and broken. I’m going to let you rest and when you’re ready to get out there again. We’re going out there, but we aren’t going out there blind, no, not this time. You are going to be aware of your feelings and your surroundings and when you’ve had enough, you’re going to speak up and say “enough.” Then you are going to rise up and walk away.

Because you are worthy and you are loved.

We got this. We are going to get through this.

-Sasch

View at Medium.com

Your Wife III

She pokes and prods

Yells and screams

She wants sex

She wants to feel sexy

And dinner out

And he worked

he worked his ass off

But she wants wants wants

And the kids are hungry

And work is calling while they sit at the dinner table

Chicken and salad…. again

He’s glad he got fast food

But now she’s hurt and mad and sad

And needs attention

But he’s tired and she understands

So she cries in the bedroom with the baby

because she knows she’s too much

She wants to be more

To cook better

To look better with her hair and nails done

She nods off

baby on lap

Daughter in bed

Mom in chair

Dad somewhere she hopes is comfortable enough for him to get rest

So maybe just maybe tomorrow

he’ll finally have the energy to put up with her

Maybe he’ll even bring flowers

-Saschia

Your Wife II

His waves crash

Like an ancient melody

They play my song

They pull me in

I dive and dive

Only to be denied

I sit I cry

I beg and plead

Open up to me

I’m left drenched with a

Mouth full of sea foam

Drowning in an eerie silence

I’ve become a pirate

Forever in love with circling

His seas

-Saschia

8 Ways To Fall Forward

1. Allow yourself to fall. Cry, scream, nap, do self care.

2. Get healthy. Healthy diet and exercise help with a healthy mind.

3. Talk it out. Find someone who is in a healthy place emotionally to talk it out.

4. Set goals to focus on for the next year. Not so focused they become a crutch just a means to move forward.

5. Surround yourself with communities that share your interests. 

6. Trust your gut. When something doesn’t feel right, trust that. Don’t let people take advantage of your vulnerable state. If they weren’t there through the struggle chances are they won’t be there through the healing.

7. Move forward. Stay away from environments that no longer serve you. Learn the signs and patterns of toxic behaviors and set boundaries immediately so you don’t end up in the same situations over and over again.

8. Learn to be ok alone. Become your own best friend. Learn yourself. Take up hobbies. Feed your brain.

 

 

The Art of Letting Go

A Woman

Take away the dishes

The wife-ing

The mothering

And you’re left with

A writer

An artist

!A REVOLUTIONARY

Who dreams of sowing thought

respect

And empathy back into our existence

She grasps for words

And stories

She grasps for experiences

She fails

She falls she rises

Over and over again

She is a woman

She is an entire future stitched together with all the labels she’s out grown

-Saschia

Not Your Wife III

He wants her

her long black hair and brown eyes

Her propped up tits pushed together like cuddling lovers

He wants all of her

Not one ounce of her soul though

She can keep that locked up with the bats

Far away from his la dee dah soul

La dee dah cuz he lost it years ago I mean sometimes we get a glimpse but most times it’s not near

He just wants her body and her good deeds

And her good days

And her beliefs but only if they’re proper

He wants her sex

And he’d do a lot for it

Just like the rest

He jimmies his Jimmie to so many images

And if yall knew the things he did to those woman in his mind

You’d feel less alone cuz you probably do it too

And with his deflated balls emptied he’ll emerge from the bathroom

with his rules and suggestions

Of how she should wear her hair

And how she should make her choices

He places women below him while he shits

Then returns to tell her how to live a righteous life

He is as false as the words that plunk to the ground when he talks

-Sasch

Diary Of A Tamed Temper

She’s anxiety, rage, and shame all balled into a fireball of untamed magic

And when she pays me a visit

I reach and I twitch

And I grasp at my heart to try and save me

When she comes

I can do nothing but beg for the truth

And I know it’s somewhere close by

So I let it guide me

And I search and I listen

I take it all in

Truth’s lessons

truth’s hurts and truth’s gifts

Till it leads me

To where I’m supposed to be

Till I’m grounded once again

And that’s when

I feel the waters calm

I hear the rains subside

I slowly breathe in watching my chest rise

Ahh…. I breathe out

It’s calm

I breathe in

And I take time

To appreciate my calm because it feels good to be there once again

-Saschia

Where Am I

I’ve reached a place in my life where I’m more full, more myself, and more humble than I’ve ever been. I feel so me. The self that loved with no expectations. The girl before her first heartbreak. It’s as if I’m getting a second chance at life and love and following my dreams. Life isn’t always so kind, so all I can do is hope it lasts and hope I can hang onto this as long as I can. Maybe life will be so kind, who knows? All I know, is I want to wake up, I want to sleep, and I get chills when I finally get to sit down and carve away at my craft. This is all so temporary, I had to write it down. I had leave proof. There is hope after allowing yourself to heal. There is life after an affair. Value isn’t lost because someone doesn’t appreciate it. And it’s ok to feel fuller and wiser and more yourself once you get through.

Yay me!