The blankets, slept in. The air thick with smoke from the magical stuff that turns your mind inward, too inward if you let it. I wouldn’t know, I’m more of a bore. The stale sweat rubs me in every wrong way while I tell myself I’m there for some divine reason. A few drops of blood drip from the crown of his head. Flashes of sex. Flashes of nude bones and rolling hills course through me like biblical visions from above. I don’t dare ask. And here he comes with all the magic and an entire universe behind his eyes that a few of us are lucky enough to see. I respect you, is what I wish to say. I like you- like you, is what I wish to say, but instead I talk about Chipotle. I want him and he wants me but I want more. The stink of stale sex and that feeling of whether he’ll be there tomorrow plagues me enough without it. “Not tonight, okay?” And that was ok. And it was ok. Like it should be. But it’s not the sex that connect us. The sadness that sits inside him reaches the depths of hell and the arms he wraps me in feel like the sun and the moon. He is an entire universe I’ll only ever leave in body because my mind wanders towards him in the most sacred ways. So sacred, it doesn’t feel right.
Change Reveals You
You’ve heard it all before, change is good, change is inevitable. Yada yada yada. I’m not here to tell you anything new. I’m here to tell you that you’re going to make it through. Yea, change is constant, we know that, but we don’t always get the encouragement we need to allow ourselves to change. You are capable of positive change. You are capable of sitting still and letting it happen.
Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
It’s not going to be easy but the best things in life never are. So think about what you want to come from these changes. Think about where you want to go. Think about how you’re going to impact others with your change. When you look at change with these questions in mind, you allow change to slough away the parts that you no longer need
From time to time I think of you
From minute to minute you cross my mind
From hour to hour I’m lost in our fantasies
If I stopped I might lose you
So I leave myself little reminders
Moons and doors
and stars as big as your eyes
The truth is I don’t need reminders
But they bring me closer to you
There are a million people that will love you and see you the way I do.
You are not stuck with one person
they are not the only one who can understand you.
But it is your job to understand you.
When you understand you and accept you
it doesn’t matter so much when others don’t
And then when those few people come along
who want to know every inch of the folds inside your skull
you’ll be able to tell them who you are
the idea of listening to you talk about who you were
and who you are
and who you wish to become
sounds like a conversation that’d peel me right open
The life you desire doesn’t exist with me
It makes me sad I’m not the one for you
I’ve no desire to grow into something created for you
I’ve stepped away from the crowd
I spend nights on the outskirts of town
Contemplating the darkness within me
I’ve nothing to give but words on words
The only guarantee here is that the end is always near
The only promise I can give is that I will continue searching til my lids close and no longer open
Even then I hope the search continues
I’m not the one for you
I wasn’t placed on this planet for you
My place is separate and set apart from the rest
But I do hope to be wrapped up in you from time to time to ease the pains of constant shedding
I’m shedding you
It’s the same door
Isn’t it the same door
Let me look
Ok different wood
But it’s practically identical
Why would I be called somewhere
So similar to the last one
I know we shouldn’t compare doors
But they’re like the same
Look, look at that different door over there
It’s like mine
The cracks are filled in with gold glitter
The handle warn
And there’s even a peep hole
So why would I go thru a door that’s just like the last?
The art flows free when I’m with Ares
We tripped over the skulls of our enemies
Sat on the piles of their riches stacked to the sky
And I know, I don’t need Ares, or revenge, or riches to make art
And I know he takes away my focus.
a healthier option
The wiser choice
But Aries was the adventure I had missed
The only kind that crawls right under my thick skin
He made me dance
Inside and out
He shut me down and lit me up
He’s not safe
not in the slightest
Our dark minds wielded blood splatter
The only way I could justify us was art
We were so art
You should have seen us
I choose emotionally unavailable men because I require a significant amount of solitude. But instead I should find an emotionally available man who also needs a significant amount of solitude. It looks so simple in writing.
First thing today, is to figure out how he will love her. He loves her, that isn’t the question. But how would he show her? Yesterday, it was with a small note, I love you handwritten on it that hid underneath her tea cup. A teacup he picked out for her and filled with black tea he steeped the way she likes it. But, today was a new day and another chance to figure out how to love her. He walked to the kitchen and leaned against the counter to think. He looked around at the bills scattered in front of the Keurig and the pile of discarded recyclables by the trash. He takes a deep breath and fear overwhelms his thoughts. That feeling of not being good enough weighs him down. But she needs his love and so he pushes through it. I’ll find something in the living room. Toys surround the perimeter of the room. The plastic, colorful, and imaginative toys lighten his mood. But, his fears whisper the word tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow it will be easier he agrees. And sits in the rocking chair his wife nurses in. It’s an awkward chair, not his first choice, but it was for her. There’s no use in waiting a voice from inside says. He reaches into his pocket for a small notebook he carries around with him at work and goes to his disheveled desk for a pen hidden by months worth of mail to be organized. He walks back to sit in the awkward chair and taps his chin. Eyes shut tight, he writes I love you because you exist and I love that. Those words are embarrassing to him, but he knows she needs to hear it. So he tears the paper from his small notebook and stands up to leave it on her seat. He walks away and turns to look at the note. I should rewrite it. He takes a step. No, no she will like it. It’s good enough.
Snuggles are of most value to me in intense bite sizes. Just tight enough a hold to release my breath and only long enough to keep me missing you.