Kowalcyzk

Bloody nose again

the iron taste drips down the back of my throat

reminds of sex and immorality

tissue against my nose

morality fell out of my hand some time ago

I say that in a ignorant manor

not a some philosophical way that might make this poem a tad more shallow

I slur words at young lovers

wishing them luck

knowing that there’s a chance one will be left

more broken than the other

I clink glasses with my demons

and pour a swig for the good people

gone too soon

I walk between grave stones looking for one with a great last name

and we become friends.

I tell him over and over I can’t do this

I can’t do this, again

He listens and waits for more of what I have to say

you know because the dead are much better listeners

We sit quiet together

it wasn’t comforting

but, in a comforting way, there are no black birds

 

 

 

Lady Lazarus

Lady Lazarus

BY SYLVIA PLATH

I have done it again.

One year in every ten

I manage it——

A sort of walking miracle, my skin

Bright as a Nazi lampshade,

My right foot

A paperweight,

My face a featureless, fine

Jew linen.

Peel off the napkin

O my enemy.

Do I terrify?——

The nose, the eye pits, the full set of teeth?

The sour breath

Will vanish in a day.

Soon, soon the flesh

The grave cave ate will be

At home on me

And I a smiling woman.

I am only thirty.

And like the cat I have nine times to die.

This is Number Three.

What a trash

To annihilate each decade.

What a million filaments.

The peanut-crunching crowd

Shoves in to see

Them unwrap me hand and foot——

The big strip tease.

Gentlemen, ladies

These are my hands

My knees.

I may be skin and bone,

Nevertheless, I am the same, identical woman.

The first time it happened I was ten.

It was an accident.

The second time I meant

To last it out and not come back at all.

I rocked shut

As a seashell.

They had to call and call

And pick the worms off me like sticky pearls.

Dying

Is an art, like everything else.

I do it exceptionally well.

I do it so it feels like hell.

I do it so it feels real.

I guess you could say I’ve a call.

It’s easy enough to do it in a cell.

It’s easy enough to do it and stay put.

It’s the theatrical

Comeback in broad day

To the same place, the same face, the same brute

Amused shout:

‘A miracle!’

That knocks me out.

There is a charge

For the eyeing of my scars, there is a charge

For the hearing of my heart——

It really goes.

And there is a charge, a very large charge

For a word or a touch

Or a bit of blood

Or a piece of my hair or my clothes.

So, so, Herr Doktor.

So, Herr Enemy.

I am your opus,

I am your valuable,

The pure gold baby

That melts to a shriek.

I turn and burn.

Do not think I underestimate your great concern.

Ash, ash—

You poke and stir.

Flesh, bone, there is nothing there——

A cake of soap,

A wedding ring,

A gold filling.

Herr God, Herr Lucifer

Beware

Beware.

Out of the ash

I rise with my red hair

And I eat men like air.

This Is My Calling

Begging for a break

A place to get away from all this

But I’m going to show my face

I’m going to show my insides

The treasures inside aren’t worth hiding

The flesh outside isn’t worth flaunting

I’m going to wait on the heavens

I’m going to pursue my calling

With the fire in my soul that hasn’t been extinguished

♡Saschia

Blueprints From Heaven

She gathered the love notes

the sporadic ones

the demanded ones

she gathered her books

her sorrows and her understandings

and she left

She began to build her ark

the blueprint laid out from above

she stacked her self-love

and internal conversations

she’s had with heavenly hosts

layer by layer

This will help her bare the storm

This will get her through

 

❤ Saschia

jesus-3548007_1280.jpg

Be Like Noah

My Current Thoughts

I am not always the easiest person to talk to. I am fully aware of that. But:

I am capable of change. I am capable of forgiveness, I am capable of learning/listening to new thoughts and ideas even if they compromise my own beliefs.

I tried just following a belief system even though the system compromised my beliefs. It gets hard to pretend once you really sit down and think about what your true values are. It’s always been extremely hard for me to pretend. And even though sometimes the truth pisses me the hell off, if I come to the realization that I’m wrong, I will apologize or I’ll admit I was wrong. And I will do whatever is in my power to either not do it again or adjust my own views to what was true. Even if it means removing myself from a situation. Removing myself is a last resort but sometimes I have to do it. Especially, if I’m explaining my needs, my thoughts, my feelings, and they are disregarded or shoved to the side like an old news paper.

If you can not come to me with the truth, don’t come. If you can not strip away and get to the core of why you believe something. Stop coming. Find someone else to be friends with. I’d rather be alone than have people around me pretending. Disagree with me. Tell me why you do. Most importantly, tell me your life experiences that made you come to this realization. Don’t come to me with non human bs. Be a human. Tell me I hurt you. I’ll tell you why I’m hurt by it. That’s how you bond, that’s how you grow. We get mad. We scream, we yell, or not. We go home, think about that shit, and regroup. Then we come back to it whether it be a couple days weeks months. Just be honest, that’s how bonding happens.

That’s what I want.

Confessional:

To be honest, 3 or 4 years ago this was all very hard because I wasn’t secure in my own faith or values. Over time, my husband and going to school helped me sit down and establish what I currently believe and where my boundaries when it comes to my beliefs and values. So I am now more secure in and listening to conversations (especially religious ones) that compromise my own beliefs. If a topic is sensitive to me I will say that. I will show that, but it took time for me to learn to say, “this is a sensitive topic for me and to explain why.”

Be Like Noah

You have to deal with it

Real life

You can’t push it down

Or sideways

You gotta simmer in it

Let it boil your blood

Be emotional

Be strong

Fall apart

Do all those things

But don’t try to avoid the pain

We’re all in pain

That’s how we know we’re alive

Use it as a vessel

When the waters pour in

Build yourself an ark

♡Saschia

My Values

I understand

And if I don’t because I’ve never been there I hear you

I hear your pain

And your reasons

I will take time to think what it must be like

I will because I have to

I have to because that feeling of not being understood

That feeling of being the one no one wants one your team

I know it

I lived it

And I hope to God that I never make someone feel like I felt when I was so alone

And if I have I’m so so sorry

♡Saschia