Your Wife

She could climb right in the hot dish water

it’s been days since she’s relaxed in a bath

she soaks her hands just a second longer

a crawler wraps around her leg

brings her joy

brings her frustration

“just five more dishes”

wrinkled hand

wrinkled sanity

the crawler lifts a pant leg

“ugh, I need to shave”

soaked hands finagle the pant leg back down

smells like lavender and lemon

tastes like salt and soap

and feels like waiting for a million tomorrows

-Saschia

 

I Don’t Want My Love For Everyone

I Don’t Want My Love For Everyone

But that’s a limiting mindset

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Unconditional love is an act worth living and dying for.
-Saschia Johnson

Yesterday, I posted something on Instagram but archived it because I wrote, my love is only for those who can face me with the truth. That is such a false statement and doesn’t describe my philosophy in any way. I act in love no matter what is going on outside of me or inside of someone else. Another person’s journey shouldn’t limit my ability to show love. I want to act in love no matter what.

What this means to me

My opinion is that love comes down to action. It’s not some theoretical abstract concept for me. It is knowing and understanding that we are all learning. We are all either acting out or healing from past wounds. We are all trying to survive and for some, survival requires a robotic lifestyle that doesn’t allow much thought. Let me make this clear, I absolutely do not belittle this behavior or mindset. I understand survival is innate and some of us are simply trying to live another day. I accept this. I listen. I use my own past mindset as a tool to empathize with the survival mindset. Loving unconditionally for me means showing acceptance to myself and others no matter where we are in life.

What this doesn’t mean to me

My desire to love unconditionally absolutely does not mean I will allow unhealed wounds to destroy my space. One of the most beautiful acts of love is stopping toxic behaviors. Whether that means loving myself enough to step away or owning up to and apologizing for a toxic behavior of my own. I understand why you are toxic. I understand that you are not ready to heal. I understand what you’re healing from regardless if you tell me with your words or actions. But what you are not going to do is manipulate me and treat me of little value. I will step away from manipulating words that have yet to be backed up with actions. You may choose to live that way and I can smile at you and hug you, but a line will be drawn once you attempt to limit me into submission. Not gunna happen.

The only way love can last a lifetime is if it’s unconditional. The truth is this: love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love.
― Stephen Kendrick, 

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I am going to continue learning to love myself and others unconditionally. How does it look to work on unconditional love?

1. working on my values so my character has something to fall in line with.

2. knowing and understanding myself

3. challenging my own limiting behaviors and beliefs

4. learning to value myself and my space

5. spending time alone

6. finding different ways to encourage myself

7. self-reflection

8. find ways to hold myself accountable

9. tell the truth

Doing these things for yourself is doing it for others. It helps after doing it for yourself because when you mindlessly limit yourself, you will unintentionally limit others. When you mindfully accept yourself, you mindfully accept others. These steps toward unconditional love listed above help you to bring your limiting beliefs and behaviors into a more concrete thinking space, or in other words, into awareness.

These actions are easy to suggest and write down but putting these into action is only a small piece of the hard part. When you begin to work towards unconditional love, it’s going to irritate the few who don’t feel they deserve it for themselves and they will automatically reflect that self-limiting belief on you, acting as if you also don’t deserve unconditional love. This is a lie. You deserve unconditional love for yourself.

Then there’s going to be a few who see your ability to love unconditionally and it will cause a ripple of acceptance, and what else has anybody ever wanted in their life?

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Check Me Out On Medium

Conversation is a Dance

and why it’s important to know that.

There are things that should be handled directly. And then there are things like flirting, that have a casual build up. I think it’s ok to be indirect with a sweet smile when you’re flirting. Because most times it takes so many words in order to really process what a problem is. It takes a focused conversation. It takes patience. So, I like to think of flirting as an escape from needing to be articulate and that it just makes a suggestion in few simple words.

I might just like you, Ms. Johnson.

It’s vague, seductive, sends the point home, not articulate at all, but does its job. This is in my opinion an acceptable form of flirting. If you really Ms. Johnson, of course. If you don’t, well, that’s manipulating.

Check the rest out here

My Abandonment Issues

I grew up as a dreamer in a single-family home. I wasn’t that different from my peers. However, most TV shows depicted two parent families or co-parenting which involved parents that were separated but did whatever they had to do to make it work out. The sad thoughts that come with the idea that someone that should want you like they do on TV, starts young. It’s not an obvious thing. The TV parenting style sat in the back of my mind while the humor was in the forefront. But at bedtime right before I’d fall asleep, I’d wonder why no dad would fight that hard to be in my life. Why no man at that point would do anything to ensure that I grew up with a mom and a dad.

That’s a glimpse of where my abandonment issues began. Everyone has at least a small dose of abandonment issues in their blood because people leaving us high and dry is a part of life. Some may have lost a loved one from death, some from a heartbreak, or some from losing their best friends when they got into high school. Loss isn’t easy on anyone and it looks different for everyone.

Yes, sad sad, but I grew up and slowly began to understand

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Where My Ambition Came From

I was not always ambitious. I grew up in a single parent home with a mom battling depression. She, with the help of my family, made sure we had everything we needed while prioritizing a deep rooted relationship with Christ. I was blessed with a father who loved me and did the

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Philosophy and Character

When your philosophy/belief system does not in any way line up with your behaviors

I’m calling you out on your character

And I support anyone else who calls you out

I don’t understand why people get mad when their character is attacked

while spewing beliefs they don’t even follow for themselves

Change your behavior

or change your beliefs

it’s not simple

and it’s only necessary when you speak your philosophy/belief system out loud

In other words

let your actions match your words

so you don’t silence yourself

-Saschia

 

Finger Tips

the sadness

 

the moments I freeze in fear

palms on my thighs

 

the moments I lose myself in emotion

to protect my tribe

 

they are all me

pieces that will evolve

and die

and come back to life

 

the smile I can’t wipe from my face

the way I act like it’s a whole new world

when I fall in love

that is me

 

A collection of those who loved me

and a collection of those who had no idea how

 

❤ Saschia

 

 

Kowalcyzk

Bloody nose again

the iron taste drips down the back of my throat

reminds of sex and immorality

tissue against my nose

morality fell out of my hand some time ago

I say that in a ignorant manor

not a some philosophical way that might make this poem a tad more shallow

I slur words at young lovers

wishing them luck

knowing that there’s a chance one will be left

more broken than the other

I clink glasses with my demons

and pour a swig for the good people

gone too soon

I walk between grave stones looking for one with a great last name

and we become friends.

I tell him over and over I can’t do this

I can’t do this, again

He listens and waits for more of what I have to say

you know because the dead are much better listeners

We sit quiet together

it wasn’t comforting

but, in a comforting way, there are no black birds