I’ve reached a place in my life where I’m more full, more myself, and more humble than I’ve ever been. I feel so me. The self that loved with no expectations. The girl before her first heartbreak. It’s as if I’m getting a second chance at life and love and following my dreams. Life isn’t always so kind, so all I can do is hope it lasts and hope I can hang onto this as long as I can. Maybe life will be so kind, who knows? All I know, is I want to wake up, I want to sleep, and I get chills when I finally get to sit down and carve away at my craft. This is all so temporary, I had to write it down. I had leave proof. There is hope after allowing yourself to heal. There is life after an affair. Value isn’t lost because someone doesn’t appreciate it. And it’s ok to feel fuller and wiser and more yourself once you get through.
She wasn’t ugly
Not by far
Actually, she had a pretty face
A face you’d see in the mall
Maybe the girl across from you
buying panties and a bra
the one you smile at and politely
say excuse me to
She looks like she could be
your favorite cashier
Or someone who got straight A’s
She and I
We both felt that powerless sting
We both sat and wondered
What it is we did
to be left
Was it the sex
Was it something we said
After so much effort
And of course
We should have known
I mean, we knew
We knew he wouldn’t stick around
And someday another woman
Maybe the new girl will have
the same basic name as hers
Because it’s highly unlikely
to be the same as mine
in spelling at the least
It feels like bondage
she and I
we do not compare
Maybe in another world
In another place
In another time
My face is no basic face
And my body meticulously sculpted
Some dead some alive
And so while we are connected
she and I
By the same
Powerlessness a man has brought to us
We are not one in the same
And I hope and pray
That I never make the same mistake
Of falling for a married man
And acting on it
Shouting into the wind
I shared and I shared
And I yelled and I screamed
Not even an echo returned
Not even silence
And I noticed the other day
How you gave me a hint
Just a tiny peak inside your mind
All for a fuck
You knew my weakness
I’m learning though.
I see now
how you’ve made it so far
Without being present
random living supplies
But you can’t divide children
Here’s your mail
And your time
But these humans
we have to share
We could be fair about it
But let’s be honest
Life’s not fair
Values aren’t shared
So this is yours
And that is mine
See you the next time
we share the kids
If I could
I would take your anxieties wrap them up tight and throw them in the ocean
I’d take your sadness and carry them to the grave
And I’d fight every single battle you were too scared to face
But I wasn’t placed here to be your savior
I can’t wrap my hands around your feelings
No matter how bad I want to
So throw your anxieties, carry your sadness, and face your battles
And tell me everything because I want to hear you speak of your thoughts and feelings
and I want to hear how you conquer them
The lies of yesterday
No longer haunt me
The future a blur of goals and fantasies
Still my confidence doesn’t waiver
And my security becomes a brace
I’ve never been this woman
But hey this is my current space
I will stand on the shoulders of my enemies
To place the angel delicately a top my Christmas tree
Their selfish acts beside mine
Only my acts so deeply rooted by my own ancestors
That they have become a catapult
An explosion of sticky wet truth
Like an orgasm at just the right time
I will not wallow I will not beg
I will not stop until the truth spores inside so many crevices
They’ll never forget it
1. Allow yourself to fall. Cry, scream, nap, do self care.
2. Get healthy. Healthy diet and exercise help with a healthy mind.
3. Talk it out. Find someone who is in a healthy place emotionally to talk it out.
4. Set goals to focus on for the next year. Not so focused they become a crutch just a means to move forward.
5. Surround yourself with communities that share your interests.
6. Trust your gut. When something doesn’t feel right, trust that. Don’t let people take advantage of your vulnerable state. If they weren’t there through the struggle chances are they won’t be there through the healing.
7. Move forward. Stay away from environments that no longer serve you. Learn the signs and patterns of toxic behaviors and set boundaries immediately so you don’t end up in the same situations over and over again.
8. Learn to be ok alone. Become your own best friend. Learn yourself. Take up hobbies. Feed your brain.
The Art of Letting Go
The earth opened up and pushed me over the edge. The dark was dark and only a seed of hope rested in my back pocket. Words swirled and spun around me, but I climbed and screamed and fought. I made it out and not one step was alone, even though at times I felt lonely. My nails were rugged and my gritted teeth cracked. But here I am, a little wiser, a little more gentle, and a lot more understanding.
I just want to throw this out there. I talk a lot of shit. I act like I’m rebellious and a rockstar, but it’s all a show. I f’n adore community and meeting people and learning people and supporting people. So yes, I like to go out. I like to dress sexy and feel pretty.
I like getting told I’m beautiful.
But at the end of the day, my family is my priority.
I love being home, hanging out, eating dinner together, and talking about our day. I love growing and building together. There was never a time that I wasn’t loyal to my home. There was only a time I put my home before individuals who weren’t ready to grow with me.
Everyone’s priorities are different when it comes to where their loyalty lives and dies. I am first loyal to my spiritual growth, then to my family, then my writing, then everything moves and jumbles around below those.
At times there are gray areas. When I reach those places, I make sure to communicate with my loved ones that I’m in an unknown area. I do my best to show full respect and honesty to my household during those times. It’s much harder to communicate when it’s an internal writing thing, but I try.
Where I struggle with loyalty is when to stop being loyal. Once I fully commit to someone or something, I take my loyalty to grave. So, I tend to stay loyal to people and places who no longer serve me. And that’s a problem. That’s not setting boundaries.
So todays writing will be inspired by my inner conflict with loyalty.