Our own internal safety mechanisms are always going to pull us away from our wounds. They are intentionally going to take us away from where we need to… Read more
Tag: human
So Now, Accept Yourself
You are tough
You weren’t born that way
You came out soft and squishy
And full of fantasies
And you tasted just like sugar
Like melted sugar
And rainbows shot from your eyes in the middle of a hurricane
Then it started
the dying
You realized people did very bad things
That people died for no reason
You realized you were someone to be understood only by a few
And you tried for years to understand why
And tried for years to tell yourself you’d be ok
We’d all be ok and you’d make sure of it
You hid in your silence
In your fear of connecting the wrong things once again
You hid in your stereotypes
Black violence with White credit score
Then the armor came
It collected over the years
You watched and saw how others made it through
You ate
And skipped meals
You slept to help skip them
You skipped em to feed your baby
You skipped em to find love
Then you clung to the illusion that someday you might be good enough
But you, my beautiful tattered soul,
have always been good enough
Since the day rainbows shot out of your big brown eyes
And even the day they started going dim you were still brighter than the north star
You have survived things and never stopped rebuilding
You tear down your walls over and over
And when you rebuild
You don’t rebuild selfishly
You rebuild for every single person who needs to be rebuilt too
Your ability to see the good in monsters is something people will never understand
Stay apart from those who don’t understand you ability to accept
But keep accepting
That is what you were born with and that is what you will die with
And that is your only purpose on this earth
So now accept yourself
-Saschia
Just Behind My Lips
I have come up with a plan!
It sat with excitement just behind my lips
I tried so hard to cage it in
to keep my plans a secret
“shhhh” I hushed
Anyway, now the plan makes no sense
I spoke it aloud to try and find the sense in it
but the sense has left it altogether
because all my loved ones have died and gone
and the only point was to see them
but!
I have come up with a plan
and I will see to it I finish everything I listed
I will visit their empty homes
their tombs
their favorite spaces
alone
with no fear
with no emotion or purpose other than to fill time
I fill my time with plans
and thoughts
with an arm lifted and a fist clinched
I’ll stand watch for woodpeckers (those where her favorite)
and I’ll wait for hours at his favorite restaurant
to taste the steak he suggested (it’s a meal only few know of that’s not on the menu)
there is something in these things left to me by the dead
it’s a fulfillment of something I planned
and even if there’s is no one to share it with
I will have these memories as my own
<3Saschia
My Current Thoughts
I am not always the easiest person to talk to. I am fully aware of that. But:
I am capable of change. I am capable of forgiveness, I am capable of learning/listening to new thoughts and ideas even if they compromise my own beliefs.
I tried just following a belief system even though the system compromised my beliefs. It gets hard to pretend once you really sit down and think about what your true values are. It’s always been extremely hard for me to pretend. And even though sometimes the truth pisses me the hell off, if I come to the realization that I’m wrong, I will apologize or I’ll admit I was wrong. And I will do whatever is in my power to either not do it again or adjust my own views to what was true. Even if it means removing myself from a situation. Removing myself is a last resort but sometimes I have to do it. Especially, if I’m explaining my needs, my thoughts, my feelings, and they are disregarded or shoved to the side like an old news paper.
If you can not come to me with the truth, don’t come. If you can not strip away and get to the core of why you believe something. Stop coming. Find someone else to be friends with. I’d rather be alone than have people around me pretending. Disagree with me. Tell me why you do. Most importantly, tell me your life experiences that made you come to this realization. Don’t come to me with non human bs. Be a human. Tell me I hurt you. I’ll tell you why I’m hurt by it. That’s how you bond, that’s how you grow. We get mad. We scream, we yell, or not. We go home, think about that shit, and regroup. Then we come back to it whether it be a couple days weeks months. Just be honest, that’s how bonding happens.
That’s what I want.
Confessional:
To be honest, 3 or 4 years ago this was all very hard because I wasn’t secure in my own faith or values. Over time, my husband and going to school helped me sit down and establish what I currently believe and where my boundaries when it comes to my beliefs and values. So I am now more secure in and listening to conversations (especially religious ones) that compromise my own beliefs. If a topic is sensitive to me I will say that. I will show that, but it took time for me to learn to say, “this is a sensitive topic for me and to explain why.”
My Element
I travel at a slow pace
require low energy to think
but I get impatient and high on life
which is part of being human
It’s ok to be human
as long as I remember
to take my time
and surround myself
with peace
-Saschia
We Go On–We All Do
Funny how things work out
How people show up
And make you proud of who you are
Or make you feel less than who you are
both people come and go
They make impacts
They go on with their lives
With their red Rose’s or their brass scales
And think briefly of you now and then
or maybe more
who knows…
-Saschia
She’s deep though
(Before she rids all things beauty)
There she was dressed to the T
Name brand from head to toe: Jeans snug, just a kiss of cleavage showing
She’s mastered the art of beauty
Because she’s terrible at everything else and her mind’s not like the others
She hides behind mesmerizing curves, and charms, and niceness
Why?
because not many have the time to navigate her thoughts
Her true ideas, overthought, are usually rejected.
Her ability to make sense doesn’t come as easy as
tight shirts, fitted pants, and a nice purse
-Saschia Johnson
