Just Behind My Lips

I have come up with a plan!

It sat with excitement just behind my lips

I tried so hard to cage it in

to keep my plans a secret

“shhhh” I hushed

 

Anyway, now the plan makes no sense

I spoke it aloud to try and find the sense in it

but the sense has left it altogether

because all my loved ones have died and gone

and the only point was to see them

but!

I have come up with a plan

and I will see to it I finish everything I listed

I will visit their empty homes

their tombs

their favorite spaces

alone

with no fear

with no emotion or purpose other than to fill time

I fill my time with plans

and thoughts

 

with an arm lifted and a fist clinched

I’ll stand watch for woodpeckers (those where her favorite)

and I’ll wait for hours at his favorite restaurant

to taste the steak he suggested (it’s a meal only few know of that’s not on the menu)

there is something in these things left to me by the dead

it’s a fulfillment of something I planned

and even if there’s is no one to share it with

I will have these memories as my own

 

<3Saschia

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This Is My Calling

My Current Thoughts

I am not always the easiest person to talk to. I am fully aware of that. But:

I am capable of change. I am capable of forgiveness, I am capable of learning/listening to new thoughts and ideas even if they compromise my own beliefs.

I tried just following a belief system even though the system compromised my beliefs. It gets hard to pretend once you really sit down and think about what your true values are. It’s always been extremely hard for me to pretend. And even though sometimes the truth pisses me the hell off, if I come to the realization that I’m wrong, I will apologize or I’ll admit I was wrong. And I will do whatever is in my power to either not do it again or adjust my own views to what was true. Even if it means removing myself from a situation. Removing myself is a last resort but sometimes I have to do it. Especially, if I’m explaining my needs, my thoughts, my feelings, and they are disregarded or shoved to the side like an old news paper.

If you can not come to me with the truth, don’t come. If you can not strip away and get to the core of why you believe something. Stop coming. Find someone else to be friends with. I’d rather be alone than have people around me pretending. Disagree with me. Tell me why you do. Most importantly, tell me your life experiences that made you come to this realization. Don’t come to me with non human bs. Be a human. Tell me I hurt you. I’ll tell you why I’m hurt by it. That’s how you bond, that’s how you grow. We get mad. We scream, we yell, or not. We go home, think about that shit, and regroup. Then we come back to it whether it be a couple days weeks months. Just be honest, that’s how bonding happens.

That’s what I want.

Confessional:

To be honest, 3 or 4 years ago this was all very hard because I wasn’t secure in my own faith or values. Over time, my husband and going to school helped me sit down and establish what I currently believe and where my boundaries when it comes to my beliefs and values. So I am now more secure in and listening to conversations (especially religious ones) that compromise my own beliefs. If a topic is sensitive to me I will say that. I will show that, but it took time for me to learn to say, “this is a sensitive topic for me and to explain why.”

We Go On–We All Do

Funny how things work out

How people show up

And make you proud of who you are

Or make you feel less than who you are

both people come and go

They make impacts

They go on with their lives

With their red Rose’s or their brass scales

And think briefly of you now and then

or maybe more

who knows…

-Saschia

She’s deep though

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(Before she rids all things beauty)

There she was dressed to the T

Name brand from head to toe: Jeans snug, just a kiss of cleavage showing

She’s mastered the art of beauty

Because she’s terrible at everything else and her mind’s not like the others

She hides behind mesmerizing curves, and charms, and niceness

Why?

because not many have the time to navigate her thoughts

Her true ideas, overthought, are usually rejected.

Her ability to make sense doesn’t come as easy as

tight shirts, fitted pants, and a nice purse

 

 

-Saschia Johnson

 

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